For the first time, I cried in front of my vocal teacher. It started with a simple question, "My friend says that my voice sound sharp to her ear when I was on the high note. Is it true?"
Yes. Just that simple. End.
She simply replied me, "Yes," but she says explained to me that I was born with it. Even my speaking voice sound like a kids and that's normal that my high note will sound in that way. She started to talked about how I always ask her about my voices on every single lesson, and she stated clearly to me that I need to stop this. She can teach me the right skill to sing correctly but she can't change my voice because it was inside my body and she could never know if it will change to a more mature & thicker one in the the future. She even says that if I wanted to change my voice in such a short timing, I should find another teacher as she might not be the best vocal couch. She talked some me sense into my small brain about my dreams - of being a singer. She told me honestly that I wasn't a borne singer. Yes, I know that long ago. And she says if any of my friend or anyone ever told me, "Oh, your singing suck," I should tell them, "Yeah, I know I suck in singing. My teacher told me once and I know about it. So shut up."
Yes, I know she's trying to ask me not to be bother by others' comment. She says that they have no right to comment about me because they're a fans of pop song, they will never like the way a classic singer sang theirs high note. In another view, classic singer will find the way a pop singer sang is not really nice. I know she's trying to cheer me up but somehow it bring me down. I tried of many ways by telling myself if I work hard enough, I will be able to perform on stage, and my vocal teacher let me realize how sucky my voice is.
From that moments I was still okay with her words. But once she told me to give up on my dream of being a singer because I can never become one, my tears just dripped down. I don't know why. It just hurt so much. She says that I wasn't a borne singer, I have a kids like voice and being a singer wasn't just by the voice but the looks and body, it is all able selling it. She told me to look at the mirror in front of me. She pointed out that I was short and thin, and I look like a dwarf. That's right. She just opened those thoughts of mine that I kept inside me to protect myself. I know that I couldn't make it to my dream not just because I wasn't a borne singer, but because of my looks and height too. That's why I always compare and envy people that have pretty face and being tall because that could bring them a long way in the future.
I admitted to her that I had once thought of giving up my dream and I might. She encouraged me to give it up because I can never be one. It just hurt so much when she told me that I couldn't never be one. I told her that I had been chasing it since 10 years old and it had been so many years, she just reply that I wasn't smart enough at that time to chase it to now. I told her I don't want to give up singing even if I couldn't reach my dream and she says than just keep singing down the road. She explained to me that there are things that are meant for leisure and there are things that are meant for making money. I told her that I don't think I have anything that I'm good in and she says, "Than you might be down the wrong path for years,". She says that I could focus on dance with the money I earn if I will find that I'm wasting my money and time in the future when I didn't get to reach my dream.
Somehow I seem to understand what she is telling me. She's trying to tell me to learn with a mindset of loving it so I learn it rather than a mindset of I'm learning it because I want to be a singer.
She says that I will only be mad at myself if I didn't get to be one. She says that rather than always being worry about my voice or hating it, why don't I use the times to make it rounder and thicker? She asked me to try out other things, and maybe I'm talented in it. I shook my head at her and says that I'm too afraid to try and I will never be good. She sighed and says, "You won't know unless you try it, maybe you are good in piano? You can always try it out."
She told me that everyone have something that they're good in and bad in, there is no one that is good in nothing. From what she so-call scolded me, told me, taught me, I had learnt that I need to truly love one things in order to do it and hold on to it. Even though she might wish that I could give up on my dream, I won't. I will change my mindset of learning but I will work hard towards this dream. Just like she says, I won't know unless I try it and she says that if she opened a recording company, none of her student will be able to pass the audition and of course that is her own standard, so that doesn't mean the other company won't accept it. Her words might be hash but it is the truth, and she let me know what I lack in and give me strength to hold onto my dream. I never really know how much I love singing until she told me to give it up if I think I'm wasting my time and money. I never predicate that I would cried in front of her - badly.
She told me that mood is important in everything that we do in life. She commented that my voice have its own color, which mean she can feel that there is life in it, and I went through it before and now, I'm passing it on to whoever that is listening.
I know that I suck, and I have no looks for being a star. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming, that doesn't stop me from learning singing and dancing. I know and she know that my teeth is the biggest obstacle for me to jump over, I know. I will fix it. I can't fix my height and my looks. But I can make it better by improving myself to a better person. I will keep dancing, keep singing and keep learning new things with a mindset of because I love to do it rather than focusing on - I wannabe a star.
That doesn't mean that I will be giving up, I will keep on trying. Not every star in the world that are talented, they might be because they are good looking, have fun personality, good in instrument or just simply cos they're good in dance. Not a singer but a performer. An artist.
Even if I wasn't be able to reach my dream, I want to keep on studying about music and keep on dancing. Even if I'm not good in it, I will keep on trying till one day that I'm good in it.
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