[Dairy] Untitled

It wasn't about what others' say, it was about me. I was insecure about myself. I felt useless. I felt stupid for working so hard in order to gain something when nothing return. I'm just like a fool, knowing that nothing will return in my way no matter how hard I work due to what I'm going through now, I still work for it. What a fool am I. Encouragement by anyone doesn't work on me anymore, I had fell into the deepest well ever, and I had no idea how to climb out of it. 

It is true that I had been doing everything since I was young. And it is true that I just felt unfair. There are times when I asked God, "Why must my life turn out to be this way? Why must I do everything by my own?". I gave up lots of things for this dream but... nothing seem to goes right. I don't know what to says but ... I just need to get this out of my mind. I had started to work since I was secondary 3 in order to support myself for this dream. Going to dance lesson and finally I started vocal lesson on Feb 2013. But it had only been adding more stress on me. I need to study, work and practice. I mean, I'm really happy that I'm able to go for dance and vocal lesson now but my schedule is been filled up for the whole week. If it was been fill up with dance and vocal lesson, I'm fine with it. But now, working had already taken up whole day. I need time to practice too other than going for lesson. If I won't be able to practice, what's the use of going to the lesson? But if I don't work, I won't have the money. I'm not like most of my friends, able to get money from family to pay for lesson or buying things. They might not be rich too but at least they don't need to work. They have plenty of times on hands. There is four weeks in a month and for that four weeks, it was only been filled up with school, work, lesson and practice. 

Sometime, I really want to go out and have some fun but I can't. I will always think of working whenever there is free time. Going to work till 10pm after school and wake up again on 5.30am every morning for school is really tiring. Since young, I had been going home alone when school ends. I was only 8 years old at that time. It really hurt me whenever I walked out of my school because all I saw was parent waving happily at their child and I could only hang my head down. Walking home alone without anyone beside me let me felt really different from other kids. Going to coffee shop to buy the same lunch over and over again  - sandwhiches , for my lunch. Went home and locked myself inside the room that my family shared because I was too afraid to stay at the living when no one was at home. Sometime the lunch can't even fill me, I went out to took some snack from the table, and the snacks doesn't belong to my family. I really hate myself for taking others' stuff but I couldn't help it. Times just goes by like this. Everyday. I need to hug myself to sleep whenever it rains heavily. I was afraid of the sound but no one was there. I was lonely and afraid of not seeing my mom the whole day, so I lied to teacher when I was 9 years old. I always says I had a tummy ache and I want to go home when I just reached school. I will start to cries loudly in class. 

When I first says that I will choose this path as my future, no one bother. No one support me but just leave me there. Not even a single member from this family. So I just fought alone with my strength and started to work in order to earn money. But just a few weeks back, I found out that my vocal cord has been weak since I was born and it got worse when I always scream when I was young whenever my dad use violence on us. The only way to heal it was to stop using your voice, drinks more water and have enough sleep but all of this seem to goes against me. That's what my teacher thought too. I need to work for money in order to pay for this lesson but if I work, I won't have enough sleep and I need to use my voice for 10 hours in order to take orders from customers too. This is hard. No matter which way I choose, it won't be good too. And my teeth. She says I need to work double hard than any normal people that are taking vocal lesson because of my teeth that are in my way and in order to fix it, I need money too. See the point? Everything seem to goes against me. I'm not allow to sing a song that request high notes in order to protect my vocal cords when my highest note could reach A6. But I know it was for my own safest but I couldn't help but felt useless whenever I need to lowers  one or two notes for that song just for my vocal cords and just for my strength which fall on chest tone. 

I felt shameless for posting all this thing. All this shit. I know people will be thinking, "Bitch, you have a better life than mine." Yeah, I know. I know mine is luckier than a lots of people but who doesn't felt unfair at some point of times? I do.