[Dairy] Hopefully Things Will Get Better - Soon.

I cry, I scream, I go crazy because of its,

I drop my knee to the cold hard ground, with tears dripping down my face

Everything seem weird around me, 

You came along and pick me up, telling me

 I'm not alone, against this wide world, 

This is the place where my dreams begin.

I'M LOST 

Hey guys, it been a long time since I post. My life had always been the same. I had a lot to tell you guys and I don't know where to begin. Recently, I felt really lost. And I don't know what to do. I will always ask myself, "Am I doing the right thing?", for what I'm doing right now. People had always told me that I'm learning too much things at the same time. Somehow, it affects me even thou it might mean nothing to that person. But it let me think - a lot. 

I had been wondering how will my future be like in the future? What will I become? Will I improve to a better dancer and singer? Lately, I had been worrying a lot for my dance. I seem to be at that standard no matter what, really. I can't do a freestyle. I know that I'm rushing when I had only learn dance for around 1 years but you know, I'm that type of person that want instant result and I know that it is impossible so I felt frustrated. I always tell others and myself, "I'm bad in grade, dance and vocal. What else can I do? I'm useless and untalented," and that's when my negative thoughts took over my mind and start to talk some evil sense into me. 

But it is the true that I'm bad in all things that I do. No matter in what. There isn't a things that I'm good in. It seem as if I still couldn't find my talent. And that's why I felt insecure about myself and the world around me. I had always told myself to be a fool and act as if I'm really cheerful in front of people, but I felt really lonely inside. But no one seem to take a step and talk to me. I know some of them know about it but keeping quiet and leaving me alone let me felt more empty. But it is okay now because I had learns how to let myself being happy even when I'm alone. 

A lot of my friend had asked me why am I always that hyper whenever I'm in school, and the only answers I could give them is - I don't know. A lot of my dance mate had asked me why do I always scream when I dance and I could only give them an answers which is - Because I felt embarrass. A lot of people look at me in a different way than the way they look at others because I'm always hyper, cheerful and being a fool that fool around in order to make people laugh or maybe - In order to make myself forgot everything that pains me from inside out. 

I don't want to be like this too but I couldn't help it when I'm so use to hiding my 100% real feeling inside. If I ever show my feeling with anyone, that is only 50% of it. Whenever someone thoughts that they know a lot about me, it is false. There is a lot things that they doesn't know compared to what they know. 

It seem as if there isn't anything that could make me feel better. 

So what do I want? Simple. I just want to improve myself. I want to get better. There is always lots of things that I couldn't do. No matter how much I look at others, I still felt that they had a better life than me and it is true. At least they had a happy family, no matter how they fight, at least there isn't hate. No matter how much I want to forgot what happened to my family, it is hard. I tried to forgot the scene of my dad hitting my brother and mom, I tried to forgot the scene when my family broke into pieces, I tried to forgot the fact that my dad called me a jinx and I tried to forgot the facts that he knocked my head against the closet. 

But it is hard. 

I don't know what is wrong with me but I felt really tried and I just feel like crying it out whenever I think of it but I always hold my tears and say it with a smile on my face. A foolish smile. Everything about me is broken. Nothing is prefect, and  nothing about me is beautiful. 

After going through a lot of things in the past few week, I had finally decided to be a stronger girl from now onward. I will never give up easily no matter how many mistake I make or what a failure am I. Even thou I felt lost now, I remember someone told me that it is okay to felt lost and it is normal. All I got to do is to keep doing the things I like and everything will be fine. Even thou it is hard, I will try to follow that advise. And the reason why it is hard is because whenever I want to try my best, I will think of all those mistake I once made, how ugly am I and untalented am I. 

I shall take a step at a time. So what if I can't freestyle? At least I know how to dance and move my body. If I keep dancing and keep going, eventually, it will come naturally. I got inspired by a girl from China when I watched TV today. She had lost both of her leg after being a victim of a China's earthquake and she's a dancer. She moved a lots of people by her performance she did on that show, she danced on top of a drum with such an expressive movement and emotional & passionate expression. At that moments, my eyes will glued to the TV even thou I had no interest in Chinese dance. That girls says that she didn't only lost her leg during that earthquake, but also her 10 months old daughter. The reason why she kept dancing even thou she was stopped by the nurse and doctor is because she want to make her daughter proud as a excellent dancer. From that moments, I realize something. 

"She doesn't have a leg yet she dance well and she did it, so why can't? So why can't everyone do it when we have leg and she doesn't? It mean that is it the amounts of effort and passion we put in." 

No matter how stress I am over the things that I learn - most likely on dance and I don't know why - I realize that I'm smiling and feeling good when I'm dancing and interacting with others during dance. It let me felt confident even thou I'm not good in it. I want to become better and I will put that faith and wish inside me. I realize that in order to do that, I need to love myself. I need to be confident because if I don't, it will affect my mood and eventually, it will affect the things that I want to get it done. I might not be the best but I want to become the best within myself, I want to surpass every limits line of mine and reach out higher throughout my life. I want to keep leaning new things and keep getting better. 

I might not be the best today, or tomorrow, but who says I won't be better in the future?

Even if I die, I want to die without regret. I won't regret to say this - I won't mind having my last breathe to perform on stage. 

I had learns to have a positive mindset instead of a negative ones, 

In order to get things done with pride, 

Ones should never lost yourself, without picking it up, 

Push yourself off the cold hard ground, and

come to me