It will be Monday soon and yet at this "prefect" timing, the lid of my emotion bottles popped open without any reason. I felt really terrible now because I don't have someone to listen to my shit anymore. I don't have anyone by my side any longer. I'm felt as if I'm just a burden to anyone that is close to me. I bet they had enough of me and wish that I will just stay far away from them. I don't know where I got those feeling but it had started way long before school break starts. Those thoughts of them not talking to me anymore make me feel really terrible. It make me have the thoughts that it was me that caused them to hate me and everything..
Secondary 1 friends, secondary friends, ITE friends and classmate. I don't know but I just felt like I'm a bad person and I really deserve what is happening to me now. I'm deserve to be left alone. I deserve to be misunderstood by others as a bad person or mastermind when I only want to help my friends. Is it a crime to help friend? Did I do something wrong again? Why do I always got target when I only want to settle the matters so all of us can live in peace? It doesn't matter anymore because I will always be the villain in anyone's eye.
"Once you are in the black list, no matter what you do, everything will seem to be black to others."
That was just something I kept long in my heart and the things that let everything burst opens isn't all this. Just got yelled by my mom for going out for such a long hours and I missed my plan for practicing vocal for exam today and just felt damn messed up. All of a sudden I felt as if I was forced to do something that I hate yet if I don't do it, I will felt guilty. Exam is just on Monday and I'm just fooling around... Living in a place where I need to inhale smoky air everyday is such a messed up for me. It really pissed me off. It let me thoughts of my vocal cords and such.
Maybe I'm just over reacting over protecting my vocal cord - no, I didn't really protect it when I went for dance.
But if anyone put themselves in my shoe, they will understand. I worked so many hours per day in order to pay for vocal lesson and dance lesson. In the end, all I got was disappointment whenever I go for vocal lesson. Vocal cords damage and not alighted teeth caused me to received a words from my teacher - you need to work extra harder than the other - and that really make me angry at myself for being different. And the facts that my voice belongs to the lower scale and it still sound kinda kiddos pissed me off - completely.
With all those inner struggles I need to go through, yet I saw people that is prefect for singing and rich and talented. Piss off - completely. Life is unfair. They have everything. I have nothing. All I have is mess up life, no matter in family, friends or what so ever.
No matter how much efforts I put in dance, I will never pass off as better as them. Is it because I have high expectation? To me, no. I don't think I work hard enough. Even with those huger blue-black compared to them, I think they're way off better than me. Yet I can't bring myself to give up on dance and vocal. Sometime, I'm really tired. Really. Because of those obstacle I have to go through in life make me really feeling stress out and mess up.
No one will want to listen to all this things from me. They don't even want to listen or should I says that they can't change anything too. I will just end up worrying how they might view me as after I told them about my real feeling. All I could do is build it all up and let it go in one shot and today is the day.
One day... Yet I here worrying without doing anything about it. Just one day till the exam and I'm still worrying about what if I fall sick? What if I do badly? And negative thoughts started to tell me, "No matter how much you practice, you will still do badly. And you will never do better than any of them with your shit voice. So just give up."
I never knew that I will actually feel stress or neavous when it was exam time. From young till now, I had never once felt neavous for any school exam. Or performance. All I felt was excitement. But now, I felt really terrible and neavous started to take over my mind. Maybe because this exam costed me $200+ and this is like half of my salary.
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