A girl call Angel

"Why am I useless?" This is the question a girl call Angel, asked herself everytime yet she don't get the answers.

It seem like in all the people that I knew, I'm the most useless among them. Each of them have something that they're good in but,I don't even have one. People might think that my talent is on singing but...I don't think so. I no longer have confident in my own vocal, I'm afraid of what kind of voice will come out from my mouth. It been 7 month since I heard my own voice.

Taking up dancing day ago and I know that dancing is not my type. I even felt that my skill dropped, I can't even dance without feeling really tired. I can't even balanced myself, my body felt like a little boat that no longer know where to sail.

Everything just dropped after a few month. It been weeks since I really sing, or was it month?

Do you know the feeling of wanting to get something done well but it just don't get better even after practicing it? Do you know that feeling that burned in my heart? My heart burn, for this passion. My heart beat, for this passion.

I really don't know what is the real practice, no matter how long I practice per day, I just felt that I had never practice enough and there's no use of blindly practice without knowing which part went wrong.

I'm a stupid person. I can't be like others, watching a dance clip and remember the steps. My memory was really lousy for dance steps, I need SOMEONE to teach me, not just some clips. That way, I could remember better and learn faster but, there's no one.

Everything need money, yet the manager never call me to work. Yes, I will felt that I'm wasting my time at work but at the same time I felt that it's worth it. At least I will have the money to buy the thing I need for recording. But... I don't know how to explain.

It been a while since I blog about those words in my heart, I really don't know how to explain. I just really feel like screaming whenever I can't get a thing right. I wanted to be like others kid too, been talented and been happy while living their life to the fullest. But...I just don't know how to do so.

Everyone are so much better than me, my confident dropped. Whenever I feel like singing, I just lip-sing to the song, not because I don't know how to sing that song, is just that I no longer have the confident I once had in my own vocal. I'm really afraid of what kind of voice will come out of my mouth.

Whenever I went mad at home, mom just call me a crazy person. Did she even know the feeling of me, I don't bother to explain because I know that no one will understand, so what is the use of explaining and saying it out.

Always putting on a face that don't have any expression, it is not because I'm unemotional. It's because I'm thinking and I'm hiding my real emotional. No one could break down this cold wall in front of me, no one could. If someone could really do it and let me say out all the thing in my heart, I'm sure that person must be someone special to me, in my heart.

I know that dancing is the most important thing in my dream, that's why I'm really stress over it. I'm really a slow learner in it and I don't even know a basic thing about singing or dancing or other things. I stand less chance than other people that having  the same dream as me. Practice and practice but I saw no improvement. My mind does not even stop when I sleep, everything and everything just once again goes round my mind.

I really wish that I could live alone so that way, I could practice in the night without making anyone can't sleep. I told myself that since I don't have the height and looks, I should be really great in skill to let my skill cover my flaw, which is my look and height. But, things just doesn't turn out the way I want it to be. Maybe I'm not suitable for this dream, even how much efforts or time I put in, it's not going to turn out the way I want it to be.

Maybe I'm just having high expectation from myself but this is the truth too. I'm useless, I'm untalented and I'm ugly.

I'm sorry I can't shine, I'm sorry for been useless, I'm sorry for been untalented. Sorry to my hearts that put up so much thing in those 6 years. I'm just a plain person.

Really..I wish that my name does not exist in this world. What for born into this world when I'm can't live to my dream? What's the reason of me been born into this family? I hate this world. People just judge you on looks and everything about you. What is their problem? Serious..

There's just so many thing I'm not happy about myself. Even I told myself that if I hate myself and think that I'm untalented, who won't? Even people told me that I have talent, asking to believe in myself, I just can't do it. I'm those kind of girl that get upset at myself even with a small mistake. I want everything that I do to be prefect but I don't need people around me to be prefect. This is how funny I am. Just a high expectation girl.

I blame everything whenever things does not goes right. I blame myself for not been smart even to dance the correct steps and remember the steps. I blame my family for not been rich enough to sent me to lesson when I was young. Whenever I saw those little kids been force to many lesson by their parent, I pity them for not having freedom but at the same time I wish I was them. I rather lose my freedom to gain something for my passion.

I know with my current skill, it can't bring me to anywhere, there is just so many people that are better than me and have more chance to become one.

I wish that I have a better voice, I sound funny when I speak. What with thick-strong accent? Those people around me, same race and came from the same country as me, don't have that accent but I have it. I really don't know where it come from. When I speak English, that accent is much more worse. It's not a Chinese people accent. I felt that I sound like those ... I can't explain. People might say that it's unique or whatever shit but I think it's my flaw. Sometime, I felt that I have so many type of voice and I don't even know which is my voice. My voice are much deeper than other girl with a thick strong accent. Sometime, I don't even think that my voice sound like a girl expect when I sing. I wish that I could have a girly look, a tall height, a fair skin and a pure-light voice. Ya, other girls voice sound so light, like an angel. Mine sound so heavy. Yes, heavy. It's funny that I really don't have any confident in myself anymore.

It seem like all those goal that I set for myself, seem to ran away from me.  But, I'm not giving up. Sometime I ask myself what am I doing? Why am I not giving up after knowing the truth?

Till now, I still don't know the answers.

Seeing others people could do it even it's their flaw, I told myself that I could do it too. But...right now I just told myself that it's because they have potential while you don't. They're born to be a star, you're born to be a mud.

I guess that I'm really weak in emotional, just one action, just one words, could make me fell down. I fell easily but I will never give up. This is the strong yet weak girl call Angel.