It's music that hurt me,and stress me up.But it's also music that make me feel better,understand better and encourage me.
Sometime I really need to understand myself but I just don't. I'm afraid of the future,because I had a feeling what my future is going to be like. I ask myself all the time, "Why am I born out to be so useless and untalented?".
I felt shameless whenever I looked at others's video and their singing are much more better then mine,I felt that life is like a game. Just like hunger game,maybe for this dream. More and more people want to become what I wanted to become,it's like a game. Friend are rival,we killed each other in order to survive in this cruel world,just to be the winner. There's more people,which mean there's less chance to become one.
This dream are getting harder and harder. I'm really fear of the future,this is the first time that I'm fear of something in my life. I'm know the facts that I can't reach it,I lack in so many area.There's so many people that are better X10000000 then me.
I hate my voice. There's something that I lack in my voice which I don't really know what it's. I just felt that it don't sound normal like others,others had a mature voice while mine ... I don't know how to explain it. Others's voice are so unique,while mine are so ......... common? No matter how hard I tried to be better,it's always this voice that get in my way. It's my flaw. My biggest flaw,ever.
I'm afraid of what if I never reach my dream and I will be leading a normal life. Going to work,doing something that I don't enjoy. What I'm afraid most is that I will be doing something that I don't enjoy. I'm not afraid of I will work and get marry or whatever because I once told myself that I will never want to get marry.I don't want all this thing to tie me down,from doing thing that I like. Plus,who will want me,I don't even want myself. I hate myself,who won't hate me? I hate my own voice,who won't hate it? I hate everything about me,who will love it?
All of a sudden,I just felt that everything is impossible,for me. I can't reach it,I will never ever reach it,no matter how hard I try. Others around me,had at least passed one round,what about me? None. None. None. None.
In entertainment world,passion isn't enough. It's a cruel world. They want talent even that talented person have no passion in it. Even a person have passion in it,but without enough talent,they won't give a damn. This is how cruel it's and how many hardship a person with passion but without enough talent had to go through it.
It seem like it's always myself that made myself become a hater of myself. I can't really believe it when others told me that I could reach it or I have the talent because a voice deep inside me told me that I can't reach it and I don't have the talent,no matter what others said,I just can't believe it because of myself.
I really don't know what to do.
Even I said that I know that it's impossible for me to reach it,there's something inside me that don't want to give up. Is it my stubborn personality? Or is it my passion for singing? Or is it both? Or is it somethings else? Or maybe all of the above?
Why is it much more harder for someone who had a great passion for music to go through all those hardship?
Why is my life like this? I ask myself will my life be better and my skill be better if I had the money?
People said that even without going for lesson,just practicing with ownself could improve but this is not truth. Unless that person really was talented. Don't lie to yourself anymore,you won't really improve much unless you go for a proper lesson and learn proper thing.
Some people say that destiny is already written even before we're born,right now we're just acting out what was written,just like a drama. While some say that even it's written,we could change it to better.
I don't know which is real,I really don't know if we could change it to better because there's always something that block you from changing it. It's like a hill that is been placed in your life.
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