[Dairy] Can't Accept It..

Who is this person in the mirror?Who?

I can no longer looks at myself without asking,

Who are you?Where are you?Where am I?

I need you,I need you,there's nothing I could do..

It been a long time,since you told me,

It been a long time,since you.....

Came and told me it's okay.

I want to sing beautifully.I want to sing with a voice that move people.

But I can't. 

I always understood that everyone had different voice and each voice is unique but...It's hard for myself to accept my voice.I really hate my voice.Why does it sound like a child that haven't mature?Why does it sound so airy and thin and weak? 

Why does others's voice sound so nice even they have a thin vocal?

Why?

I guess I just don't have the talent for it.

I really envy many people's voice.Their tone are better than me in a million way.

The feeling you had when you're your own worst hater,enemy and rival.

Imagine that you hate yourself more than others do.

People always told me that my voice is okay so don't worry so much.I smiled and say okay but deep in my heart,I really felt insecure and I really hate it so much.

I always know that EVERYONE hate their own voice.Okay,maybe not everyone but most people.

They're always not used to hearing their own voice through recording because we're used to hearing our voice in our head.We heard our voice through our head and air but others only heard our voice through air so no matter how you say, "No! That's not how my voice sound like in my head!" , people won't understand because they are not in your head.

So if other told you that yours voice was okay,than it was okay.

Because what you heard through recording,are what other that heard.

I can say all this but I couldn't get it into my head.No matter how much I encourage myself by saying, "It's okay.Accept your voice.It's not that bad.If it's bad,why will there be like on your cover on Youtube?Trust your listener and your friend when they say it's okay." 

But.

I.JUST.CAN'T.GET.IT.INTO.MY.HEAD.

I just can't accept my voice.

Disagree all you want,judge me all you want,comment and judge me all you want.

You will only hurt me more.

It's hard not to give up on myself. It's really hard.

Life is hard,what you wanted to have,you won't get it.

What you don't expect you to get,you will get it.

Isn't life not fair at all?

I wish I could train myself for many hours till I fall due to energy been used up.

I wish I could know those basic thing about singing in tune.

I wish one day I could accept my own vocal.

I just found that my vocal are not suitable for many song.

I don't know...I know we can't have the same voice as that song's singer even we're expected to sing on the same notes as them but in our own vocal range...but....we always think that the prefect cover are the one that sound alike.I mean it was my thinking.

I'm the mastermind but I'm the victim to myself.

I just felt insecure.Really.In everything.

Finally I understood why I failed so many audition because I was lacking a lot in skill.

I looked back to my past video last night,and I felt that I'm lacking a lot and I was mostly out of tune.

Okay,I don't really know how to know if I'm out of tune or what but it's just a feeling that always told me that I'm out of tune even others told me I'm not.

I guess just like what others say,I have high expectation on myself.

Yes,I admit.Since young,I don't like to lose to anyone.

Now? 

I don't mind but I just want myself to do well,I want myself to surpass my own limits.

Thing are always easy to say,hard to do.

I'm always trying my best to do well in everything but it's really hard.Sometime I just feel like throwing everything away and just lay down to fall asleep..Forever.

In my own little world,there won't be any sadness if I'm asleep.Everything will be prefect because I'm the one that control that little world of mine.

I.... found that my own voice are really funny.

When I speak in English,I had a strong accent which I don't know came from where and sound so low and weird.

When I speak in Chinese,my voice sound high.

When I speak in Korean,my voice sound high too.

When I sing in English,it's the same problem.Accent.

Okay,it's not those normal accent.

It's like so thick till I don't even want to listen to it.

I wonder how other can stand hearing my voice.Poor those around me.

But...What can I do? 

Complaining and complaining here on my blog,nothing will change.

I just got to change it.

I told myself to be thick skin and confident when I perform.

It does help a bit but when I thought of my skill,my confident suddenly become thin air that fly off.

There's just so much for me to learn.

Give me a time machine,I wanted to turn the time back to Secondary 1.

If only I don't quit Choir.

If only I don't quit C.O.

If only I don't quit Chinese Dance during primary school.

If only I wasn't born into this world.

Seeing my smile everyday,it's all a fake.

Saw my poker face?

That's my true emotional.

I'm tired....Really tired of this world.

But what I can do,I just got to move on.

Music is the only way that let me entered to a emotional world and let me understood thing that I could never understood without Music.

Mom,I will think of you every step I'm taking right now.

I bet you'll be really happy if I told you that I want to give up my dream right?

Sorry to disappoint you,you won't ever heard that word coming out from my mouth.

I know you,once you kept quiet when I ask you about my skill,it mean it's not good.

It's okay Mom,one day,maybe one day I will prove to you on stage.

It's okay,don't support me,it will only made me became a stronger person that won't give up.

I won't give up.

I want to prove to you that I could do it.

I want to prove to everyone that I'm not a useless person.

I want to prove to myself that I could do it.

I want to prove to this world that this is my passion that I won't give up.

Have you ever once praise me before in this 16 year?

No.Not even once.

You can praise other but not me?

Why compare me to her?

I know she's pretty and talented.I know it all...Don't you think I don't want to be like her?

I want! But I know I can't because she's too talented for me.Secretly,I treated her as rival.

What she do,I wanted to do better,I'm not asking for your praise anymore.

It mean nothing to me,I don't need thing that is 2nd hand.

Once you don't praise me,don't EVER praise me than.

Even I need it,I don't want it.

Do you think I don't want to be pretty?

I want! 

I'm always thinking of it.

I want to have long leg.

I want to be tall.

I want to be mature.

I want to be gentle.

I want to be friendly.

But.

Did you all ever give me a chance to be gentle and friendly to you all?

No.

You all prefer her over me all the times.

Have you all ever thought of others feeling?

Don't you think all of you should be fair?

Okay! 

Because she's more friendly than I am,does not mean I'm not friendly.

I know you'll prefer her so I always stand at the back even I wanted to be with you all.

I don't understand why...

What does she have that I don't?Why you all prefer her over me?

I guess is my arrogant looks plus I don't talk to anyone that why people think I'm arrogant.

Wrong.

It's because I don't dare to go over to anyone and start a conversation because I always know that she have the charm to attract attention from you all while I don't.

She's funny,you all love her.

She's pretty,you all love her.

She's beautiful,you all love her.

She's out-going,you all love her.

She's gentle,you all love her.

Just because she's out-going but adding bits of shyness and gentleness than you all love her.

Just because of I am not that out-going and not gentle and my shyness seem like shit and gross to you all,you all love her more than me.

Give me a chance,just to get close to you all but I always don't have the chance.

She always go to you all,because you'll asked for her.Not me.

When she's alone,it seem like people are thinking it's me that causes her to be like this.

I'm used to it.Whenever I go,people always treated me as the mastermind behind everything when I'm NOT.

I don't even bother to explain that I'm not because I know that no one would believe me.

I know I look like a bad girl but does that mean I'm a bad girl?

Why are you all just judging it by my looks?

Even I had bad temper does that mean I'm a bad girl?

If so,than the whole world girl will become a bad girl.

There're just so many key for me to choose.Yet,I choose the one of the middle for my life.

I have already thrown other away,there's no way I could get it back.

I don't want to.

So when I say "I don't know" just get away from me.

I don't need anyone of you in my way when I'm bad mood because I know you'll are not the one that could make me better.

Not any of you.

All this while,I could only ran out of those dark place on my own...

Just by myself.