[Dairy] R U Guilty?

One day,let hope that one day,

we could meet again,till than let bury our love,

Folding our heart,folding our memories,it's gone,

One day,let hope that one day,

we could smile to each others,just like before.

One day,I will never leave you,just like before.

I know it been day since I blog,I don't know what got over me too.I just felt doubtful about myself,over my everything.Everything and everything,I'm been too doubtful about myself.Been dreaming of many connected dream for past few day.It left me been unclear of what is going on.

Firstly,I dreamt about me failing an audition again but it give me hint that I needed a better stage  presence and it told me that I don't have charm.

Secondly,I dreamt about me in a train,looking at someone that is so pretty and beautiful,I felt doubtful about myself. I started to got angry and cried in dream,yet in reality too.

Thirdly,I dreamt about me and a group of girl going for audition in a secret place that seem royal but we failed,even I tried to hit those high notes,it's still a failure.

Lastest,a glass door broken and I fall right onto it,the pain I could even felt in reality when I'm asleep.Yet in my dream,the next day when I went to school,I still smiled when I'm cover with injury.

All this dream seem to told me something,what I lack in and what I felt insecure of. And how I hide it behind with a smile and carry on moving toward the future.

Been depressed over the few day?Not really depressed,I'm just keeping to myself because who can I tell all my feeling to?Even I say it,no one understand,so why must I say it. 

Keeping to myself,is a good choice.I totally become quieter,so I won't annoyed anyone and no one will annoyed me. It made me focus on writing story,practicing any everything. 

Trying to made me been the extra one in the group. 

You wanted to try? 

If it was last time,I would say , "Try me,let see who is the one been alone." 

But now,I will say, "Go ahead.I give give a damn anymore.Alone?Well,it's okay.It made me look like bitch,but at least I'm not annoyed by you." 

Why should I hide?

So why are you hiding it when you're angry or whatever shit. 

Just be honest,man.

People that are not honest,annoyed me the most.

Friends don't judge friends,if you judge,ask yourself are you been a good friends?

Even a little laugh,could hurt your others friend. Or even a shocked face when your friend are feeling insecure.

So,just please,just encouraged your friend instead of a shock face or laughing,because we never even laugh at you.

I'm just stating the facts.

Which friend laugh at their own friend?

R U Guilty? 

Sleeping is the best way to forgot EVERYTHING. 

Sleeping is the only way my brain shut off,but right now,even my dream gave me nightmare.It been day since I had a good sleep.Even my dream let my memories tapped my shoulder,just for me to looked at it and doubt myself more.

But,I'm just not gonna stop dreaming.

For the past few day,I'm been having the thought of giving up for my dream because I knew that I won't reached it.I guessed it's the dream that affected me.

I had been thinking and thinking,how long could I hold on to this dream? 

Without anything,how could I proved myself?

I'm wondering and wondering,and something pulled me back to my dream.

At that time I was searching for Teen Top's Chunji's picture for the story I'm collabing with another author in AsianFanFics and I came across his pre-debut story. I read and read,suddenly I was moved to tear,how passion he is for singing.

He didn't gave up even his dancing skill was not good,he choose to transfer school,leaving all his friend just for his dream.

Than a voice in my heart asked me, "No one is giving up,than why are you giving up?Had you forgotten how much you love to perform since young?Are you going to give up your 6 year dream just because of all those nightmare that made you doubt yourself?" 

Yes,I'm forever alone.

You're right.

Are you happy now that you say that?

ㅎㅎ..

You're famous? Well,maybe? 

You're making me laugh.Don't want me to say or judge you,than don't do the same back to me.

Why am I showing most people a poker face while I showed other a normal face?

Once I showed a poker face to you,it mean that you had done something wrong.

I admit,if I looked at myself as if I'm a character in the movie,I will think I'm a fucking bitch too.

But do you ever looked what is behind EVERY bitch?There's always a reason why they're like this.

From young,I told everyone I knew this, 

"I don't want to lose to anyone."

Yes.Anyone.

I had lots of pride in thing I do,I don't allow myself to make a mistake any longer.

It does not matter if others think you're better than me,I will prove it one day.

It does not matter anyone if your BEST FRIEND laugh at my singing,because one day I will make her regret.

I would kept those that don't hurt me around me,those who hurt me,one by one,game over for you.

Hate me? Leave.

Dislike my character? Ask youself and than leave. 

Did you ever wonder why I treated you'll like this?

No matter how much you hate your family member,treasure it when they're still alive.

At least you have seen them before,I have never even once seen many of them before.

I don't even know about their exist,I don't even know where they are.

I don't even have a grandma.

Even my grandpa are dead,the one that always don't failed to brought a smiled to my face.

Without him,I don't really knew how to smiled anymore.

I had lose many people in my life before,that why I'm here to told you,no matter how your family member treated you,you got to treasure it.Even you hated them,one day,when they are dead,you'll be guilty.

So.

R U Guilty?

I lose my childhood friend.

I lose my grandpa.

I lose my dad's parent.

I lose my grandma.

I lose my 1st best friend.

I lose trust in anyone.

Even I hardly talked about my family history,it does not mean it don't bother me.

It's just so messy that I don't want to talk about it.

There's only my dream and passion left.

I won't let anyone take it away from me,I will hug onto it tightly,no matter what,even storm came,I won't left it alone in this dark place.

I will hug onto it and run forward,I won't want to stay in one place.

Action prove louder than words.

Say it,do it! 

Don't find anymore excuse,just do it.

Type,backspace.

I gone through more than you in life,I can say this confidently because it's a facts.

Hearing you complained all those thing once in a time let me think that I should let you see there's more thing that hurt most than the thing you complained.