[Dairy] Can I do it again?

Was not in a mood to post but I got to find a place to write down my feeling..My feeling right now,I can't really understand what it felt like. Emotional tired?Depress?  몰라 ..Keep listening to this song over and over again..I just love her voice..

Isn't her voice really strong,emotional and great? It's so unique...I wish I have a great voice just like her...But I don't have.Today,I record my random singing without any practice and you know what it sound like?

It sound like someone that don't even know how to sing.

Yes,you did not see wrong.You might think , 'Is she crazy?If she don't know how sing why will have like in cover?' . But what I'm saying is truth.The voice I listen in my head are different from what other heard from me.I always thought I sing well and my voice are mature and strong (Yes,in my head) . But what other heard and what recording sound like is like kid-like voice,flat tone and weak. It's like I don't even know how to hold a tune. I don't why,all of a sudden,my singing skill drop alot.

Maybe it been week since I sing?Why? 몰라 ...I guess is just that my skill and voice sucks. I'm thinking over and over again...If my voice sucks,why were my music teacher and choir teacher accept me? They should not accept me...I sing badly.I'm not great.Yes.I don't have confident in myself.I have low-confident in myself,no matter in looks or whatever. 

I keep tell myself that my singing are not so bad,if it's bad than why will my music & choir teacher accept me and still smile and clap for me? It's all wrong...They might be doing it in polite and even is I good,I guess I'm bad now. Really..I hear my own singing when I record it....Is like .... Hell. Just one word. Hell. 

Even my rap sound bad.Have skill,no voice. Yeah,I think I did it in that rap but I'm not suitable for rapping for my voice. My voice sound so low when I talk,I know.I can hear it in my head. When I record it,yes sound the same.Low and sound like a guy. And I freaking hate it. I hear myself talk until I don't want hear.I pity those around me,need to hear my voice over and over again. I should talk less,my voice really are annoying and piece of shit. Even myself feel like cover my ear when I hear myself speak. So low and like a guy. Not unique at all. I just want to be like a girl,looks like a girl and sound like a girl for at least one day. Even one hour are enough. Do you even know my feeling? No,you won't know because you're not me. I just want to find a place to speak out my feeling and here I am. I have no one to speak to even I have friend.I find it hard to open up. So I use typing as a form of express my feeling and thinking.Sorry blog,if I flooded you.

Even my singing sound like young guy singing.Not a young girl. At some song! 

• When low notes. I sound like I have no emotional when I sing even I try to put in emotional. 

• I can't "go" up and down on notes like some line of "loudness or sound like shouting", I just sound like one straight line going smoothly.And I freaking hate that.Sound so flat tone.Is that a flat tone? 몰라 ..

Yes that's the two point I hate about my singing! For no reason,now a day my singing sound like I don't even know how to hold a tune. Piss at myself. 

Thought that I sing well because of what I heard in my head but turn out to be I'm horrible at singing. I'm sorry to my neighbour,my family,my viewer and people around me that heard me sing and talk. I really find them brave to carry on listening to me singing when it sound bad. The most is my family,they heard it every minute and every second yet they don't say anything.That why I hardly ever sing now a day because I know I sound different from what I heard in my head and from what other heard. (Everyone sound different thou. I think? ) 

I don't know how I will sound like so I'm afraid to sing out.I'm afraid that it's bad. Yet I can't control myself from singing.I really don't know is my throat are weird now a day or my skill are drop or SINCE the start,I'm a bad singer. I guess is all. 

I really want to sing well...I practice the proper way but the more I practice the more bad I get. I know it don't make sense but ya to me it seem like that. I thinking if I ever get lesson will I really improve ? Since I'm a natural bad singer. ㅎㅎㅎ...It sound native but with my skill,I still going for my dream..I don't know why but I don't feel like giving up yet even I don't have confident I will reach it. 

I don't like to have confident in myself because it's like I lie to myself thinking that I confirm can reach my dream while I don't think that in reality.That why I decided to let thing be natural. But one person in Youtube once told me that I got to be confident because my singing will bring out the message that I want to tell people that are hearing so those people will know whether I'm confident or not confident. I try but it's hard...

I know it's weird but I tend to get scare and shivering all over and heart beat fast when it's something important to me. Like when I went for audition,my mind went blank and I sing badly. Sorry judge..You need hear my bad vocal. And when I have group test for Main Vocal position and I get the same shiver and heart beat fast just like last time I went audition.Yes,I depress about it for week and cry over it everytime I think of it.I ask myself , "How are you going to audition and pass and train for your dream when you keep shiver and heart beat so fast till your voice shivering too?" I still don't get the answers. 

Yet! I'm not scare when I'm on stage. That's weird right? Should be both also scare but I remember when I was 6 year old, I run up on stage and perform there and I keep smiling and love the feeling. When 12 year old,I perform on a mini stage with my friend and I don't even felt scare.The music start,my voice auto come out and I remember looking ahead and the people and than closing my eye.It's like in my own world and I only come to my sense when the music stop. At this two perform,I was full of confident. Because I thought my voice to other sound the same like how I heard in my head but I was wrong...But thinking back,it's the confident that let me not scare.Because that time,my goal was just to perform and enjoy myself.Not caring what other will think of me. 

While on 13 year old,on SYF for choir,I step on the stage and it was piece of silent.I was standing in the front row.I did not felt scare...But I felt peace. Looking at the light that shine on us and the people looking at us. I smile to myself , music start and I dancing and singing along with other member. That time,nothing goes into my mind and I was just enjoying myself. 

So I guess the main point is to be confident,believe in ourselves and enjoy the moments. I hope that during audition I can be like this too...I don't know...I'm waiting for another chance to see if I still scare. So I guess my illness is call "Audition Fright" but not "Stage Fright"...LOL! 

I was hoping to be on that stage again...Enjoying the moments when people watching me,the feeling where nothing can goes inside my mind expect for music and the moments where I enjoy myself and smile I give...

Can I do it again? 

That's a long post...I'm feeling better now after posting out my feeling..Thanks you blog :) 

And today,I know,there's alot people more talent and more suitable to be on stage than me. Honestly,last time I was full of confident and think that I'm better than some of the people but today,don't know what happen,I felt that other are more better than me alot of time and I'm the most worst coverist ever.