[Dairy] Why Should I Smile?

Went out with Wenhui,Gekleng and Katherine today to Ice-Skating :) There's many people going out today and lots of people ice-skating so we wait for like 2 hour plus than finally we go in...Find it super hard to skate when alone , nearly fall . But it's okay. No matter what , I will learn it. We even went to play at arcade. It been about so long that I go in. Play basketball ~ Woah! My favourite game hahahas! We even pair up to 2 to VS on the drum! Gekleng and me was like half playing half talking loudly. Katherine and Wenhui was like so calm and have so much teamwork than Gekleng and me keep at there laugh and than we keep talk about who hit where and than our mind was like unclear. If I don't hear wrong , we both were so loud and laughing throughout the whole game. Guess what? We lose! Hahahs!! We even say next time must more teamwork ! I keep laugh so hard till I can felt my whole face was so red. I was so excited to play in arcade plus there all is small kids so I go play hahas! Was so fun!! I can swear I behave like crazy at there! 

Than after ice-skating , went to eat and talk about KCS friend that we know , saying next time all go out together and we shortlisted 12 person included ourselves. LOL!! I was like ... Oh my god. So many people . We nearly can't remember who's in our school that is from KCS .. Our memory are like ... old grandma? LOL!! Joking :P ~ 

Today was really tired..I don't even feel like updating story right now.. Sigh..But I will try for my reader. I..keep tell myself , to be cheerful no matter how hurt or depress I am. Because I think it over , been depress don't help me improve at all. I must as well practice to improve. But than been depress let me feel alot better in mood. Okay,I'm weird but I admit that I like been depress. 

Anyone ever thought of ending your life? Because I once have this thought , when is it? This year? I get so depress over a thing? I guess so that I even thinking of ending my life because what's the use when I'm alive? I make no different if I dead or alive. People will be sad if I die but it's just so for some time ,they will get over it and than move on and it's not like I'm special to someone . Not even my family.  Well this topic let get over it. 

I'm really confuse now. What's my talent? Do I even have one? I tend to get bored of a thing really fast . After learning a few day, I will get bored and want to learn anymore. But for singing , I did not. I did not even find it bored one time in this 6 year but I guess singing is not my talent. I'm super duper bad at it. Even my talking voice sound so husky and low. Even my singing sound that no unique and bad. I don't think I will improve anymore , if I will , why am I still here? I should already been a trainee. So I guess I'm not the cut out for entertainment. Still , even I know I won't improve , I still keep want to try for this dream and even want a vocal lesson.See how stubborn am I? 

My heart felt so tight. My heart are so small that I can't take many thing , once it's full , I NEED to cry it out to clear out the thing that fill it full.. Sometime,no,all time,I just want to felt that I'm at least important to at least one person but I did not felt it. I felt extra all the time even I behave like I'm not the extra one. I felt that all my friend are friend with one another long ago and I suddenly add in is like spoil their bond and than I'm the third party.That's why I say I don't have anyone close from heart to heart. Now do you understand? ... 

I felt like I'm the bitch and I'm the one that's bad. I'm not saying anyone the bad one . But I admit I'm the bad one. I'm the most bad in the group. From far people see, they will think I'm the one that teach all my friend bad.Maybe through emotional I am? I don't know. Well,I know the feeling of other bad girl felt. They behave this way because they want care and attention from other that they don't get at home or around their own good close friend. I know it all along..Because I felt this way too. 

Fine...I will not talk about this.. I really find it hard to express my feeling .I don't even know what I'm feeling and thinking. I just know I need someone by my side but no,there's no one. Not even my family. It's okay. Hearts,I'm here for you.No matter how hurt your emotional is,you got to be a strong girl.No matter what.I will cry for you , you will felt that painfulness for me. Let be friend and help each other. You're my soul , I'm your body.

It's okay to felt emotional , hearts. Don't be afraid , show it even no one will care. Because even no one care your feeling, I will forever be here to care for you. I'm your sister, we're one together. We understand each other the best right? Only you know the deepest secret of mine. Only you understand why I did all those thing. Only you understand what I'm feeling now. Only me understand what you're going through. I always believe that heart and you are one as I always think it's two different person. 

I thinking of cutting my hair short till like a boy and than dye it to red since my friend say I suit red colour . I mean after schooling :) I want to try it. The feeling of having a guy looks that suit my face. Why am I not born as a guy? As a guy, I might be more strong in emotional than now. Maybe I won't even get tease. Having the same looks as your brother...Is not really great. If your brother look kinda of like girl than okay. But well...I see our childhood picture , my brother looks more like a girl than me . While since young , I always have that bad girl looks with a poker face that don't like to smile and I more give out the feeling of a guy have. I hate it. I want to be a girl for even one day. Even giving me 100% girly personality and looks , I'm okay with it. There's no turning back now , it's okay. All the pain I felt , hearts, please bear with it. Sorry to always make your heart break down lots of time. 

That's right , the real me , I don't like to smile. I only smile when I'm around friend but it's not fake smile. It's real smile because when around them I will feel more cheerful and than talk alot,joke alot,laugh alot and behave like one weird person. Once I'm alone , I will give poker face that hate to smile. I really hate to smile. Alot. I don't know why. I don't find a reason to smile. Why should I smile? Just to make people around me cheerful?I can't . I'm honest. I just don't felt any happiness so why should I smile? I really really very less smile when I was young. Even playing I will only smile for a while than return to the poker face. I guess that's why I have less friend because I keep to myself most of the time. 

I don't even know why I always don't smile even I felt happy.I always keep a straight face that don't show emotional. Am I hiding myself or I just hate to smile. I really give off a guy feeling when I was young , I'm not cute when young but more like those sporty and cheeky "guy" that sometime run around while sometime keep to myself and not smile.

I was thinking when can I always smile happily? When can I really love to smile. I guess I'm a natural negative person that don't like to smile. I want to find a reason to smile. But I can't find any..