[Dairy] New Year?I felt nothing.

(Oh my god! Look at how amazing Sunny is! Like a Queen!~)

Did I post yesterday?I forgot...I felt that I have problem remembering thing which is real! I had hard time remember EVERYTHING....But if I really want to remember,than can,if not I won't go care~ 

I still haven't print out the audition form...How great is this?Got to find a way.13 more day till audition..I bet I'm going on 14 jan. It's 2012 now but I don't felt happy at all.I want 2011 back.There's still many thing I haven't done...I don't want to be 16 year old...Sigh..I'm getting older..5 more year and I'm officially adults. I don't want..I want time to freeze right now. I want the time to stop at this moments even I want to know the future.But I'm afraid that the future might disappoint me. I'm too afraid to take a step forward.

I have so many wish list...That haven't come true..This year birthday are just going to the same. The normal and boring one. There's nothing that can make me happy expect for anything that do with music. Am I so in love with music? ... I guess so..Since when? Molla...

2012...A stress year ahead..A stress year that I will cry..Work,school exam,practice and dream.All got to do with money..Audition..I see video and many of them stood out because of their clothes but when I looks at their face, they're so pretty...No wonder they give off a feeling of like they're the star of the day. If only I can be like them but I know I can't...Their fashion really shine even the clothes are normal. The hairstyle,the looks,the height,the figure and the skill are all so great. I put myself beside them,I guess after 100 year , the judge also won't look at me. Because I don't have the charm that shine out and out stand others. They're too great. 

Smile and show what you got during audition? Now is so easy to say but when it's audition time, your mind will be all blank. Seeing the video for this year Alpha Entertainment Audition,many of them are so pretty and skillful. They really give off a special charm together with their looks and skill. Thinking back to my audition day, I sucks. I looks sucks and I sing badly. How do I want to shine? Even this year , I bet I won't shine. The star inside me , glowing and fading, glowing and fading over and over again.I know that I won't get choose no matter how much I wish that I was.

Audition for Entertainment company are much more harder than Choir Audition. When it is choir audition , I did not even shiver or scare. I just sing what the teacher ask me to and I even laugh and smile to her. Because she let me felt comfortable while audition for entertainment company are really scary. You will know it if you went for it. The air was like so stiff. No one laugh,no one smile. The judge all give serious face and you will felt so uncomfortable because all thing is silent and only your voice or the music you dance to.

I don't really know what is going to happen during audition day..I can't explain what I'm feeling now.. The feeling of wanting to shine brightly but knowing that I can't shine..Just like a bird that can't fly even it want to fly freely like other bird. The more I grow up,the more I will pay attention to every part of my body , not like how when we're young and don't care anything. We can't because we're growing up,once you care what you're wearing or choosing clothes, you're already growing up slowly without you knowing.

As I grow up , I already point out my flaw while looking at the mirror. Because of this , day by the day , the confident inside me start to fade. I still remember how confident I was last time but ... now all is over. I can't be confident ever again until I learn how to accept myself. That why I admire people that are confident or looks confident. I can name a lot of people that I admire for their confident. Many ... Many .. I wish I can be like them , I wish I can learn from them from looking at them but the more I looks at them , the more my confident drop down. 

The more I hear my voice,the more my confident drop. I search for how to stood out and answers always is "Be yourself. Be different from other people. Have your own style. Never follow people but other follow you. "

I agree on it but how can I apply this when audition. Audition is just like stand there wait for your turn and your turn come  you just stand out and bow to the judge before singing.The end.I know personality let you stood out but how to show other your personality when you can't even talk or do anything? I guess is all apply on your dressing and the way you carry yourself. Smile all the way and even you're not confident,show that you're confident. I guess? I will try and let you all know whether it work.

Been confident take lots of time . It come from the place you live in and people that surround you. People think that people been confident is a bastard or a bitch because the way they talk and carry themselves. Last time,I think that too and that why I hate people that are confident.I will act like I hate them even I admire their confident. But as I grow up , I know that they're the leader and those people that hate them are just follower that hope to become like them. Last time I was a follower and know I'm not a leader and a followers. I follow myself. I be myself. I show my mood of up and down without caring anything , people might think I'm a bitch but it's because they don't understand me. I'm just trying to be myself. Do you want me to be a faker or a person that is me? Think about it. If you want me to be a faker,I can tell you all the "good" thing about everyone and you. Which will make me fake and you hate me too. Been faker and myself also let you hate me? Than leave me. I don't need someone that hate me in my life. Even I'm alone forever , I don't want anyone that is faker too.Don't think I don't know who is been real and who is been fake to me. I know a tons of faker around me , I just don't want to say it out to spoil the currently relationship we have. 

That why I keep secret to myself not that I don't trust anyone , is that I can't trust myself. Everyday,I'm living alone. No one to talk to expect myself .That why I have a habit to talk to myself. I blame myself , I blame other but my heart blame myself the most. I blame myself to have this vocal,I blame myself to be this short,I blame myself to have this looks. No one have ever praise me before at the right time with a honest heart that why I always blame myself. I need people around me to be honest at the right time. I look up to people that's honest and confident. I admire them even I act like I hate them. My mouth and body always act the opposite of my heart. 

Here is my wish list. You will get surprise how much it is...! 

1. To reach my dream , been a trainee. Stand on stage to perform. 
2. Sing the song that I wrote. 
3. To not shiver anymore during audition.
4. Singing,dancing,rapping and acting to improve more.
5. Have a unique and mature voice. (Which is not possible)
6. Learn many language.
7. Wrote my own book.
8. Act in a drama.
9. Have Vocal lesson.
10. Become taller (which is not possible at all)
11. Better prettier (Super not possible.Unless plastic surgery.)
12. Have a super close friend that I can tell ANYTHING to. 
13. A piano!! T.T 
14. A guitar!! T.T 
15. Have brace!! T.T
16. Be a girl that's confident and full of charm (More More! Impossible~)
17. Many many money!! LOL! Nothing can be done without money in this world.. T.T

The most importantly is to reach my dream... I want to perform on stage and carry on singing for everyone.

I want to live with member in a dorm and be there for each other.

I want a member to be my close close close friend! Like Sunny and Taeyeon T.T.. I admire their friendship!! T.T

Look at how close they're! They been crazy and wide together , they laugh together, they cry together. And they did everything together!! Sunny always choose Taeyeon to go with her anywhere , I bet they tell each other lots of thing since they're roommate. Last time Taeyeon does not open up to anyone,she keep to herself and now she start to open up more to everyone , the most is Sunny. Sunny help Taeyeon eat thing she don't like and Taeyeon help Sunny. Just like sister! I love how they both are so dorky ~ They learn to be themselves even having so much fame and money. They're just so unique and they seem to shine more when they both are together rather than alone. I never know that Sunny can be this wide! XDD