[Dairy] Lunar New Year

"Walking alone all this time , always hope you're with me."

"Where are you when I really need you?" 

"I might seem fine but I'm breaking inside." 

There's a fairytale but suddenly,it's taken over by fiction that slowly turn into reality.

Today was Chinese New Year / Lunar New Year ! 

Went to my grandma house and was really boring at first. No one talk to me and I was listening to song the whole way. My uncles ask me , "Don't keep listen song. Take out your earpiece.Talk to people too." 

But I did not listen to him. I just put my earpiece back and carry on listen to music. Not that I don't want talk to people is just that no one talk to me plus I'm not close with them so it's normal that I in my own world instead. 

Than stay in a room with my mom than she said me about giving a black face to people .

Than I tell her : 

Me : I was born like this.I born to have this unemotional face everytime when I'm alone .Can't be you still want me to keep smiling like a crazy when I'm alone right? 

Mom : Some of your cousin also no talk but at least they sit there and watch tv quietly.

Me : Them is them.Me is me. I hate to be alone.When I'm alone,I give this poker face that show no emotional. I'm born looking cold. If you not happy than give me money to go for plastic surgery. 

At that time I was shouting at her , I bet people outside in the living room can hear us. My tear was already going to drop down. I have a weird habit... When I fight with friend or others,I won't cry but when I fight with someone that really meant a lot to me or really close to me in my life, I will show my weakness and cry out. I hate this point because I really hate to let people see me crying. It make me felt so weak.

So I stay in the room with my mom , she's sleeping while I sit on the floor and listen to song. I was crying and thinking about lots of thing when listen song. I use the huge pillow to cover my face. I was thinking about my looks at that time since I say till plastic surgery. I always blame myself for born to have a cold looks that always let people think that I'm hard to make friend with when I'm not. My cold looks is my flaw.

I was thinking back to my young looks , last time I looks so cute while the older I grow up,the more old fashion I become and the more ugly I become. But than change it back when I was in secondary 3 again. From young to now,I did change but it's my looks that change from bad to worse while my fashion improve . 

Well... Nothing to say about this...

Okay back to topic . Than my uncles come inside the room to give me a packet of drink. I take it and than he ask me , "Why give this no emotional face?Where's your boyfriend?" . I was stunned , what thing my boyfriend?When did I have a boyfriend? So I ask him , "What boyfriend?" . Than my mom get the joke so she laugh than my uncles laugh along than I know oh they're joking only. I was slow. Than I was thinking , 'How is it possible that I have a boyfriend when I'm so ugly? If I have, I bet I can touch the star.' 

Than after my uncles go out , I hide behind the pillow and cry again. For new year, I cry two time in a day. I don't even know why I cry for this time. Weird huh? Well , sit there for about a hour before MeiXuan come inside the room. From that onward, I'm not lonely anymore ~ 

One Aquarius have come to company me!! XDD Yay~ Her birthday is coming soon!  After my birthday ,about 9 day more is her. On 8 Feb if I not wrong..Yeap , is on 8 Feb. 

I have lots to chat with her but mostly is random like school,life and etc. We chat a lots and eat a lot plus DRINK ALOT!! Firstly,she ask me why I sit here than I say outside also no one talk with me than she say she also so we both sit there and watch tv while drink water than keep talk random thing.Mostly is I keep ask her thing LOL!! Than I suggest we go downstair 7-11 to buy some food. My mom company us. 

Me, like a boss , take 2 snack and 2 sandwhiches, one for her and one for me , in the end been like a boss give all the food to my mom and she pay for it. With the sound my heel make,I walk around and keep say I want this and that but my mom say no. Really like a boss and I felt like a boss with the heel sound. LOL!!! 

We all went back to the room and we both eat . She eat finish and said , "I always thought that I eat very slow but you're slower than me." HAHAHAS! She said she always felt weird when in school,her friend eat finish than all looks at her to wait her eat finish since she always last to eat finish. I was the same too ! That why sometime , no is most time, I see my friend eat finish I will say I eat finish too even I can finish it but it's weird for people to looks at me when I'm eating.Not use to it. 

After chatting with her , I find that we have many thing in common.What I mean is not hobby but personality . Even we have 3 year gap , we still get along really well. Last time when we were young, we everytime fight with each other because of barbie doll LOL!! She don't remember when my mom talk about it ~ I still remember we hate each other but as we grow up,we are the one that are really close .

Well!!! Boonping , another of my cousin who's same age as me are taller than me by a lot! 

I ask him how tall are him? He reply , "300cm." 

Than his sister ,MeiXuan, ask him , he said , "600cm." 

HAHAHAS!! Everytime 300cm more! He keep talk back to me! I ask him why he so tall than know what he said? He said , "Not I tall,is you short." 

Straight but I don't felt hurt because I get use to been call short plus I accept it. I find it funny instead that he know how to talk back now. He said that he's born to naturally know how to talk back.Hahahas! He's still as funny as last time! He sit like a boss and I said him than he said that he's indeed a boss. Really is LIKE A BOSS! 

I play that soft toy have sound one than he said I use it as musical instrument than he keep open and close the small dustbin than I said him back LOL!! We keep snatch the soft toy than he don't want give me than Meixuan said , "You both are a child is it?" hahas! She's younger than us but she's more mature than us >.< 

Everytime when I chat with Boonping , we will talk back to each other. That's how we chat and had fun. While I will have comfortable and normal talk with his sister~ This are the only two cousin that I'm close with since I live with them when i was young~ He even told me that eating egg yolk will become tall and I really did eat little bit of it but till now I still wondering is it real. Hmm..

AND! At last Boonping told me his real height.

176.4cm!!! 

So tall right?! I was below his shoulder and I felt like I'm a really short person but well,talking to him don't let me felt uncomfortable even have so much height gap difference .I guess is I get use to talk to people that are taller than me alot. How I wish I can be 155cm!! Today I was 151cm when I wear the high heel.~ 

Well ..... Today I learn a lots of thing and I accept lots of thing but I don't want to post it in here because here's a place that someone will see so ya, I guess this will be a secret to myself.

"I really hope to have those thing that you have while I don't have.I got to accept that you're really great. I now know why I don't get accept but you do.You really deserve to be accept. I really wish I have that unique in me and I really wish I can improve but well....I guess even no matter how hard I try , if I don't have the talent and that unique,I won't reach it. Even I say this....Seem like I'm giving up but I'm not giving up yet.It's not the time yet." 

Currently , waiting for the 7th audition result to be out. But I guess that I will fail so I guess I have fail 7 audition in about one year. Wow...I'm sure a failure.