[Dairy] 괜찮습니다..

"In your eye,there's only her and not me?" 

"What got into you ?Did not you notice that I'm changing because of you?"

"Can't you at least turn around and notice it?" 

"Do you even care about it? All you care is her , not me." 

I wish to stand under the rain and cry it all out one day.

Today in class teacher show us a video a guy that audition and finally he win.He fail during 2007 and he keep practice in front of a small mirror..With his passion,he can dance anywhere..I admire him for that. He work to earn money while practicing and during 2008 he won the competition. His hard-work does pay off. At that time I was asking myself can I be just like him too but than I tell myself ,

"No you can't. He have potential and talent , you don't have. " 

Ya..I don't have...I can't do it right?..

Than the question was ask , "What is your goal for this year?" . "Have you ever lower your expectation because you think you can't do it?" . "Do you give up after just one try?" .

I answers myself at that time. 

"My goal for this year is to improve my singing and dancing skill."

"Yes I have lower it many time because I don't have confident that I can do it."

"No..If I give up,I won't be here right now." 

Than Jiaxin told me what her parent say about dream. 

"No money,no matter how you dream , also is just a dream."

Her parent told her , "What are you good in to dream ?" 

At that moments my tear fill my eye , I ask her to stop talking about it than I lay my head on the table to wipe off my tear. It been the second time since they nearly see me cry. She say she felt sorry for making me cry when she say those thing  . Well,I don't blame her. I'm glad she share those thing with me and make me come back to reality. I agree..No money, there's no dream . When she say her dad say that word to her , I think till myself and I understand how she felt that time .

That moments is the most painful moments in her life.That's what I guess because I felt that way too. Even my parent don't say that but they say it in a more not direct way but I still get it and getting hurt by my parent most of time. Most time it's them that hurt me, not others. 

Than JiaXin told me that there's a japanese singer when young,she's good in singing and she only just random sing , not wanting to become a singer but that singer's mom think she have good voice so she tape her own daughter down when she's singing and than take her to audition and she get in even she not really willing to.Year and year , she practice and now she have a great voice.

I was thinking about many thing while hearing that story..

"Why many people have their parent support them while I don't have?"

"Why others can be so talent or have potential while I can't?"

"Can I really reach it one day? Am I going to give up?" 

Those word keep going round in my mind even during Science class and I'm not even listening to lesson at that time.

Than during Chinese class , Shaocai told us a story.

"There's one old lady about 60 year old plus and her dream since young is to drive a car.Till now,she's still taking test to pass for driving a car. She have take more than 10 thousand test. And till now she's still chasing after her dream." 

I was thinking , 'Even a old lady have the courage to keep going on even 10 thousand plus failure , why can't I have the courage to go on when I just fail 6 audition?' 

I tell Shaocai that I don't think I can reach my dream. When I don't reach,I don't really know what to do in the future. 

And he said a word that really keep going round my mind , "Dream are meant to keep chasing till the end of your life." 

I agree with this line...I will keep chasing it but I'm really just afraid of failure..Even I seem fine and don't seem to be affect by those failure,deep inside me,I am affect by it.But I'm just not giving up even when there's time I ask myself to give up. There's always something inside me , telling me not to give up , holding tight onto me to let me not have a simple life. I'm just afraid that what if I chase till the end of my life and I'm not going to reach it?What if ? .... 

I always think to think what if this happen  , what if that happen . I will always think and that always cause myself to make myself depressed. I'm always afraid that no one will like my voice..I'm always living in a world full of afraid given by myself to myself. 

I know that some people might think I'm silly and stubborn to still holding into this dream...I know because I felt that way too. .I have no confident in myself about reaching this dream but I just can't explain why till now that I never give up. What is the reason that keep me going for it for about 6 year? What is it? I really don't know. Whenever I ask myself to give up , I just felt that my life is empty and I can't really give up once I hear music again.

I guess that no one really believe that I can reach it one day. I just need support from people .. I need it to be confident,since young I'm a shy,timid and no confident person,for this dream , I have become more no confident. For this dream , I always calm my fast beating heart whenever I talk in front of class..I change for better just for this dream , without this dream , there's no reason for me to live in this world. 

I just want to sing out with all my emotional without worrying about how my voice will sound like but I can't do that...I become more and more care about the skill and my voice. Just like how a young girl start to care about her looks when she's going into teenager life. I want to become someone like this, I wish to become someone like this but I will make it happen.

I don't want to just sit here and hope that it will happen with all my life. I'm going to make it happen. I'm just going to make it happen with my own skill and hard-work.

Even some people say that no matter how hard you practice , you have no talent, than it's no use. I know but it's worth trying. Rather than just give it up. I really just can't explain why am I so stubborn about not giving up and keep wanting to improve myself when I have no potential..I don't know the reason why..It's like when i want to give up , someone just don't let me give up. When I'm tired, someone just ask me to cry out. Whenever I think that I can't improve, someone just told me that you got to improve no matter what.

It's like that someone keep telling me no mater what I must reach it.

Truth,I have fail many audition but so what? Younha fail 20 audition. IU fail 20 audition in one year. Park Bom try audition for 16 time for the same company before getting in and she use 3 year to audition. That old lady from China fail more than 10 thousand driving lesson , even she have the passion and courage to go on , why I don't have it? 

No matter how hard, how tiring , how lonely this path is going to get , I still want to keep on performing on stage.Expect for this job , I don't want what I can still be. Even this's not my talent, it's okay. I'm willing to waste my life to chase this dream. I don't believe that I won't improve.

If I can become a trainee  , even that life is not gonna be easy, I won't give up half way. Even it's a position of sub-vocal , it's all okay now . All matter is , just let me perform on stage. I just want to do that..That passion keep growing stronger and stronger day by day as I grow up. 

Till now , I still can't believe that I'm giving up so many thing for this dream but I'm willing to. 

Can you finally see that I'm serious for this dream?

Can you please just believe in me and support me? 

Please,guide me along the way and give me strength to go on. 

I'm not playing with this dream. I'm serious about it. If I'm playing,I won't hold on to it for 6 year. Even if you think this dream seem silly,it's okay. I don't think it silly because this dream is my life. Without it , I can't survive. Without this dream I will just be a body without soul. You won't understand it unless you have the same dream as me. You won't understand the stress too , you won't understand how tough this path is. 

You won't . 

Just please praise me once so that it will give me strength to keep going on. 

All this year since I'm alive,hardly anyone praise me before. Truth is that I just want my parent to believe me even if others don't . I really envy those singer or people that have their parent support them. I really hope that my parent will said 

"I will support you no matter what. I will help you and you must help yourselves too." 

But...

No.. My parent don't support me even they say they do. They never understood me , they never even try to. All this while , I'm been keeping those tear inside me , crying when I'm alone. How I wish at that time my mom will hug me and said , "It's all okay.I'm here."

I might not seem like those girl that need someone but I'm those girl . I'm just hiding myself. 

I need someone to hug me when I'm weak, I need someone to praise me once in a while , I need someone to be there for me no matter what mistake I make..

I envy some of my friend. They already plan their future and they're confident about reaching it. They will have a simple life . A life that work for someone and earn many money in the future. Meet their love one and get marry. Have a family and have family day every sunday and go to travel with family . 

I really envy..Even I don't want this kind of life but how I wish that I can be that simple. I like to be simple but I don't like too. I envy that they will have someone by their side when they get old while I won't have one. Who the hell will be so stupid to be with me. No one. People always find those old lady that alone by themselves seem cool but truth is inside them,they need company by people too.

Why can't any of you see the real me ? 

Why? Tell me why . 

Am I that mystery? Will you be there for me till the end of my life? 

Will you ? 

I don't want to be alone without anyone beside me . 

I want to be company by everyone in my life. I hate to be alone even I'm seem fine.

When I'm alone , that's the real me . The timid and shy girl. The girl that keep getting scare. 

The feeling during secondary 1 is back..

The fear I felt everyday.

I know that I must get use to been alone. 

This path is going to be lonely too , I must overcome this fear. 

괜찮습니다...