[Diary] Can't Believe In Myself Anymore

"I might seem strong,But don't be fool by my smile"

"I'm just like others,I need care,I need love."

"Do anyone of you see it?I'm not strong at all,I'm just acting."

"Showing my smile,showing I'm strong,while I'm not." 

"Do you even care?Do you even know?" 

"Just turn around,you will see the real me in front of you that are breaking into piece." 

Umm...Well...I don't have the mood to post about today outing but I guess I will just post it. 

Today went out with JiaJia,JiaXin and Katherine , to two places.We first went to Plaza Singapura and went to eat ramen again but well,I don't know who take the photo coz no one upload so I can't post the picture here. After that went to bookstore and I bought a packet of stick and a book but guess what? The book was just a guide and not a novel!! My $20..Bye! 

Went to take neo-print and here it's ^-^ I might be smiling in this post but in reality , I'm not.

After that we went to Somerset and have Starbuck again there asking each other question than blah blah blah.

Than JiaJia and Katherine go home first than Jiaxin and me went to Orchard Central for a while . 

After that went back to Somerset than went to a Hello Kitty shop and than I was like .... All the thing was not cheap at all..After that went to HMV than went home. 

Now..It's time for me to talk about my feeling now.

I don't know what I feel now but what is in my mind? 

1. Dream.

Well...Still same..Everytime it's about dream..Did I fall asleep just now?I don't know but I hear song till I cry and I think my mom saw it..Well..Whatever..My dad still ask me what sound it's because he heard someone crying but I bet I never make any sound when I cry because is just one tear drop not cry.

I was thinking , it have been one year since I start audition and practice by keep singing and than I never even improve at all..For one year , for trainee in entertainment company , they have already improve ALOT till they can already debut in some time but for me...I don't know why I never improve even by keep singing .People say keep sing will improve because it's a form of practicing but why did I not even improve a bit? 

Than I tell myself,  "I guess is you have no potential that why you never improve in this one year.Such a waste. You should not have this dream because you have no potential to make it into a talent and make it into your career.So what you have passion?You don't have talent. No talent , even have passion , you won't survive because you can't even pass a audition ! What right you have to say you want to perform on stage? For this 6 year , you don't even improve , mean you no potential! Give it up. You're worse than a sub-vocal/background vocal."

At that time , what thing come into my mind? The comment by one of my loyal supporter and my friend from japan. 

"I will never be disappoint in you by failing audition but I will be disappoint if you give up your dream." 

My tear just drop down even I ask myself not to cry. That supporter are really important to me in my life. I don't know why but than I felt that she understand me a lot more than other people in my life.

I was cheering myself up by thinking that, " I'm sure one day people will accept your voice." 

But there's no use.The more I think,the more I hate myself...I always hate myself since young...

I doubt myself.. I was thinking do I even have the potential? Maybe I don't .If no potential,nothing can be done. I don't want. I don't want to be other thing, I just want to keep singing and perform on stage. I open my mouth by wanting to sing along to the song I'm listen but than no sound come out. I ask myself why and my mind said , "Because you have no confident anymore. You're afraid of other hearing your voice. You're worrying how awful your voice will be." 

I nod slowly and agree with the voice in my head. Since when did I have no confident? But I guess it's better than been too full of myself because been too full of myself, I won't think I'm bad than I won't want to improve myself. 

Suddenly,you know a song play and all of sudden give me courage to keep going on this path.

"Teen Top- The Back Of My Hand Brush Against" 

Well,the reason is all of a sudden I remember that the group main vocal , Niel. He was tone deaf last time yet he's a main vocal now. Tone deaf , are the worse "illness" to singer-wanna be. Really. You can't even hold a notes most time. I remember his story before debut. About how he go for basic vocal lesson and he practice and how his parent taught him and look at where he's now? Another voice told me this when I'm listening to that song. I ask myself once again .

"If he can,why can't you? If tone deaf people can do it and be so successful,why can't you?If he got the courage to take this path even he's not really great at first, why don't you have the courage? "

I did think and think and think. Why can't I have the courage to keep going on? 

Than another voice spoil me again. 

"He have the potential and good voice , of course he will overcome it. You don't even have the potential and good voice , how are you going to improve when you don't have potential? Just give it up. Your passion are not going to bring you far."

Once again , I don't believe that I can improve ...This 1 year prove everything. People in 1 year can improve so much,why can't I? So this prove that I don't have potential. I'm not cut to be in singing world. I don't have the right to have this dream. I don't deserve. I'm jealous . Yes. I'm jealous at how great she's and how everyone just praise her and I'm just standing aside looking at her. I'm jealous that she have the talent and unique voice, I'm jealous that I don't have it and I jealous that why she can improve with practice and I don't even improve. 

Voice in my mind . 

"Because you have no potential at all." 

I have none...I just now even think while brushing my teeth with "Goose Dream" playing on my MP3 , "Should I give up on this dream that seem impossible?" 

There's no answers. Right now I don't even know which voice belong to head and while belong to heart. I just know that I don't want to give up even I know I can't reach it .I know if I don't give up,in the end,I'm just hurting myself. But than another side of me saying that it's okay even it's hurt, I just got to keep this dream.Without this dream, I don't think I can live.

With just one simple word of , "Should I give up on this dream that seem impossible?" can let me instantly become so emotional and tear up. Does this mean I'm seriously want this dream? But so what if I want...So what if I have the passion? I don't have the potential , let alone talent. Yet I want this dream, people will think that I'm too crazy and I can't even reach it. 

Yes..I agree with you all. I don't think I can reach it too. My voice are too not good. Not good.. I always think that I don't even have the right to deserve anything or anyone in this world. That why whenever I want something , I will step back if someone want it too. I know they deserve, I don't .

I just know my heart need to know where it belong to. It need to felt secure. It need this dream. It need this passion. It need the stage. It need my voice. It need supporter.

All I want is my mom telling me , "You have great voice." one day but I guess it's not going to happen. She never even once praise me while she keep praise other people about their singing . It let me felt that I don't even have potential to let my parent think I'm good , than what right I have to let other felt that I'm good? 

All I need is my family support but 3 of them... Just don't . I bet whenever my voice come out , they're laughing in their heart and find it annoying. That's why , haru haru , those tease, those laughter , those comment, those jealous I felt , make me not even dare to sing in front of people . Whenever my mouth open , no voice dare to come out. 

Tear just roll down my cheek. Well...If I'm alone in bedroom,I will cry to sleep but since I'm sharing with my family , I'm gonna try my best to become cheerful again to prevent from crying to sleep ..

After saying this much,no matter what those voice told me, I still don't want to give up .Is it my head that don't want to give up or my heart or myself? I don't know but I know I'm not going to give up because this is really my passion.Without those passion in my life , my life are just nothing but a empty shell.

But whenever I think till my voice, I will doubt myself...I hate it but I don't want to give up. I hate the way my body move when I dance. I hate the way I rap. I hate the way I walk . I hate the way I look .I hate the way that I'm not tall. I hate the way of everything.I hate everything in me . I hate my whole face. I hate my whole body. I hate everything. There's no one thing that I love in me. I don't even wish for other to love a thing in me because I don't even love myself. I hate myself. I don't believe in love even I wish to believe it,my heart just felt really insecure at those word. I'm afraid to be in love , I'm afraid to be hurt. Hurt by myself not by other because no one will love me. I will only hurt myself with my one-side crush if I fall in love so it's better that I don't fall in love with anyone.