[Dairy] To A Study Greek Once Again.

Was so tired right now...I feel like my eye can close at anytime, I got to say I enjoy sleeping because it's the only way to make me stress and stop thinking about other thing ~ 

Today was the first day of school. Start 2012 as a Secondary 4 student. I tell myself to do well and guess what ? I did not even lay my head down for 1 hour math lesson! First step of success to learning math? I guess so~ I told myself treat my life as a trainee life since as trainee,you need to be do thing without any complain.Even have also can't tell the head (Teacher) . Must follow and do what they told you to,busy lifestyle,wake up early. I treat my schooling life as trainee life to inspire myself to work hard. It's the only way I work hard.

I got to pin up my bang tomorrow,I decided to change to a nerd person once again. Today Mdm See tell me , "Liqin,do you know you change a lot from Sec 2 till now? I don't know what happen in Sec 2 or 3 but it's all in the past now.You did really well in math when Sec 1. I know you have potential to do well in study, I want to you to get good grade for this year. You always don't ask question even you don't know so I want you to ask." 

When she was telling me this , I keep avoid looking into her eye. I scare to have eye contract with anyone , I don't have the confident to and I know I did wrong that why I'm guilty.I know I let Mdm See down , even no matter how I say to my friend like how she nag me but I have a soft spot for each teacher.I want to make them proud of me. 

I don't know she's saying my looks or character change but I put it as both. My looks does change , I mean who don't change their looks over year? Last time I was like nerd all pin up , now as I grow up I tend to care my looks more so I change it but I guess I change too much till Mdm See thought I'm those bad girl? Or maybe my character toward study have fade that why she thought that I have change a lot.Last time I keep study but after what happen in Sec 1 , I start to be alone and don't have mood to study.And this habit caught up with me till Sec 3. I got to say , "People can be sick but can't get lazy.It will catch up." I say this because I went through it. Year by year more lazy toward study but now her word let me wake up. Those music I listen to have wake me up and let me see clear all thing. Like I say , music have change me a lot and make me notice many thing.

Since she say I change a lot,I don't want think I'm a bad girl while I'm not. So I'm going to pin up my bangs tomorrow and pull my tie higher and study hard in class. Even people or classmate laugh at my hair , it's okay. Even laugh at my looks , it's okay. I don't care. I just don't want to disappoint anyone anymore. 

Since my grade drop a lot and the friendship thing happen in Sec 1 , hurt me a lot till I give on myself. I really give up even I always have the smile on my face. No one notice... Finally,today,Mdm See found out...And this is when I want to change myself back to the person that love study even going after my dream or anything else. She seem to know what is changing me , because she say it's all in the past no matter what have happen.At that moments , I avoid looking at her and I look at other class but I'm listening to her. Because she have finally found a secret of mine. 

The whole way home was the longest time in my life. Those ballad song and my mind keep repeat those word Mdm See have say. I nearly tear up in the MRT..I think a lot..Finally when I reach home,I tell my mom. 

Finally, the tear I hold on have drop down in less than 5 second when I start to talk about it. As time goes by , I tend to show my tear more to people. Maybe I start to open up to some people..I'm not afraid to show my tear to some people anymore. 

I will change to the study person again. Trust me. I won't disappoint any teacher anymore. I don't want to anymore. For my dream , for my teacher, for my parent and for myself , I will change. Sorry to my parent and teacher that I disappointed in this 2 year.. I should not because of one thing than give up on myself..

Thing I regret to do is dye my hair. I got caught by Mdm See and I guess because of this she think  I'm a bad girl. Long skirt change to middle length skirt.Button up collar become no button with kinda of loose tie. Pin up fringe become bangs that cover my eyebrow. I guess it's this? And I got to say,my character are natural rebelious ... T.T I guess she never know it that why she thought....Oh well , I don't blame her since I hardly show it in Sec 1 or 2 . I really got really angry when she ask me pin up my bangs. I mean I have no confident in my looks because of my eyebrow.I really prefer those light eyebrow mine is dark and I don't even need to draw it. People find it lucky , I find it a complex to me. Because it don't give me the soft looks that girl should have. That why I don't want to pin it up even I really prefer my pin up hair showing my whole face but I'm afraid of how my friend laugh at me. Because I know it's really weird.....I mean if you're my friend how can you laugh at your friend REAL looks? .... I mean is like no respect and felt so betray..Own friend can't even accept your looks , how can other accept it?