[Dairy] I'm Really A Fool?

-Sigh- I'm here again. To express my thinking .I have no place to say it and I tend to lazy write dairy so I post it here but of course secret are meant to be in dairy. 

Today after while watching SNSD Hello Baby,I suddenly felt so unwell. My lung pain,forehead are hot and it seem like I'm having fever. I stand up to practice singing are hard to because when singing need use energy and plus standing up. The world seem so dizzy. I bet my singing was bad when I was feeling unwell.Don't believe? Here it's.

Argh..Sorry for the different voice as last time.This time my voice are high and I sing that wrong notes that why my voice is high.Mianhae.I want to sing lower notes but felt so unwell till I hardly can sing so I just pull off with a higher notes than the actual song. My voice tend to be high today. -Sigh- 

I know I'm bad in skill and voice.Sorry if this spoil your eardrum...

I should did a better job..

Today I finally know the feeling when unwell still need to sing feeling.Even when I sick,I still want to practice and the feeling was depress even when you're not sad. Maybe is because of sick. I think afternoon I was having fever and I stand up I was like need to hold onto the table to balance myself from falling down while singing. The more I sing the more the head ache but it's fine.

Luckily,I get better now. Eat some chinese medi and was better now and after eating spicy tofu!~ 

I don't know what to say..Today was not really in a mood? I don't know. I felt so emotional today. I keep telling myself that don't get depress no matter what. Even if next year,fail the audition,it's okay. There's other company. But still I was really thinking with myself , can I really do it? With my look,my height and my skill and everything.

I keep train myself in vocal but no matter how much I train , I don't seem to improve at all. I bet the judge know that I won't improve that why they know I don't have potential and that why they don't choose me. 

I just dance at night for the dance remix. I practice and looks into mirror and I found out that no matter how I get the move right , I still lack something. Like how I lack something in my vocal. I guess when I dance and people will think that I lack character. I seem to don't have character when I dance. My dancing are just like those unemotional doll dancing. Even I show face expression to match the dance, I felt that I still lack something. I tell myself when "Goodbye Baby" is about hate so I think about hate. "Bubble Pop" is about been confident and having fun so I smile alot. "Bad Girl Good Girl" is to tell a guy that I can be both and about my feeling toward him.

I try...But...Still I thinking I lack something. So I search up how to dance with character and people been saying is to have fun and be confident. Get lose in the music. I try one time and I try to have fun and be confident. The feeling I get was kinda of better but still I know I still lack something. 

Charm.

I'm those kind of person that no matter where I go, people won't notice me because I have no that X-factor and charm in myself. That why I thinking am I really cut out for been on stage? No matter how I ask myself,I can't get the answers.

Everyday and everday,I felt so lost in my own world. I can't find a way. There's too many fake way in my world. I can't know which is the real. 

I want to dance with character that can let people find it amazing. The confident,the charm,the character and the sharp move. But no matter how I practice I can't! No one told me whether did I improve.Even they tell me,I still think I don't have improve because I was thinking they tell me that because they're my friend that why can't hurt each other. 

I guess I have no potential. That why the judge don't choose me no matter what.

Bad in looks,dance and vocal. 

No wonder the judge don't choose. If I'm in the judge position , I won't choose me too.

Because my skill are all just NORMAL. Don't have anything unique or different from other people.

In entertainment world,you need to be different form other and be unique to attract other people attention to your own skill.

Some people use their looks and some people use their skill. 

While me , I can't use any of this two because I don't have it. 

If only I have a unique skill , sadly, none.

I admire those that have lots of confident and charm. 

Really. 

I always tend to look at those person with admire eye. 

Sometime I won't talk to them because I felt that I'm so small in front of them.So they thought I hate them.

But once they turn their back to me, 

I will once again looks at them with admire eye that will always stay on them. 

Hoping  that one day I can become like them,secretly,admire their confident and charm.

I'm this kind of person. I tend to speak or do opposite thing. Mouth that say out thing that is opposite from my heart. 

I really hope that I was grow up as a kids that is confident and having much charm but it's okay. 

It's all okay. No matter how hurt and how much I cry, for this dream , I will endure with it. 

No matter how much pain I have to go through,it's okay,

For this dream,I will endure till the end. 

For this dream,I will work hard. 

For this dream,I will grow up.

How many tear did I loose for this dream?

After so many emotional painful moments,why don't I give up?

I don't know too. I tend to give up easily last time but for this dream, I hold on for 6 year.

I sallow in all the emotional pain this dream cause me. All the thing I lost because of this dream,I did not give up.

Molla..While typing this,my tear are already covering my visible. I got to blink many time to hide this tear inside my heart. One day when it's all bottle up , I will cry it all out loudly before I wipe off the tear by myself and stand up for this dream again.

I did fall down many time because of this dream, I did cry to sleep everyday because I'm worry about this dream.

I don't know what I can be in the future expect for this dream. I really don't know. Once I start running for this dream,I won't stop until I reach it. No matter how tired I am,even I stop,I will start running again.And the circle repeat.

All this tear that I waste,will I really reach it one day? 

People say hard work pay off right? Will mine pay off too? 

I once remember a SHINee member say,if a person dream long,that person will become the person that he/she dream of becoming. 

Oh! It's Taemin who say it. Yes. It's him. I wondering is this real.. 

I bet many people will thinking that I'm a fool.

After keep fail,why am I still going after it when I already know the result which is I won't get in.

I just got to say,I don't know why too.

Even there's one time I wish to give up,I can't. 

There's always something dragging me back to this dream and there's always a voice in my head telling me to be strong for this dream, no matter what can't give up. 

Emotional was really hurt from all those reject,I cry,I blame many thing. 

After those crying , quietly sit by myself.Thinking of many thing.

Singing again and again and I know that I can't give up.

I'm not ready to give up this dream yet. 

The passion...Day by day is burning more wide.

The feeling of wanting to sing on a stage is stronger and strong, day by day.

I can't stop it and I won't stop it.

I might cry while running for this dream , I won't stop myself from crying. It only give me more strength to carry on running. 

I cry but I won't stop running. I will looks back but I will go back.

I look at the side but I will not go anywhere expect straight. 

I looks straight and many hurtful thing come toward me. I won't hide, I will let it hit me. 

I will once again fall,I will cry again and point out many flaw of myself. 

I will stop and sit by the road to sob and think back many thing and felt that passion once again. 

I will stand up by all my strength and run toward it day by day pass,

Hoping that one day this running will bring me to the stage. 

Hoping all this tear I loose will one day turn into the tear of joy.

Hoping all this flaw one day will be improve.

Hoping all this blaming I have before will be cancel. 

Hoping to just stand on stage to perform for everyone. 

Hoping to see everyone smile from their heart , clap and cheer from everyone. 

Hoping to just carry on singing and carry on performing on stage.

Hoping one day I will understand life.

I will cry,I will fall,I will stop,

But 

I will not give up.

Call me a stubborn girl. Call me a fool.

Yes listening to 2AM-Like A Fool song,

let me felt that I'm a fool for this dream. 

A stubborn fool for this dream.

Call me name,call me a fool,

I just won't stop from all your comment.