[Diary] It's Going To Be Fine

Another morning have start...There's no more tear left for me to cry anymore..Last night have a funny dream..A weird dream...I dream till I was in a tunnel with many human and animal passing by me. No one notice me,I cry and cry,still no one notice me. Suddenly lots of animal pass by me and a tiger which is really huge stop in front of me. He drop me a soft toy which is a tiger,after seeing it,for no reason I start to cry loudly.The tiger pass by me with other animal than a group of human pass by me and I saw some of them have the soft toy too.This is the 2nd time I dream of this if I'm not wrong.The tiger,the soft toy and me. After that my group of friend pass by me and notice me at last. I was so happy that I cry because at last someone notice me expect the tiger.There's two other guy classmate which is not in my school now. Long time no see them,than one of them ask me , "Not crying anymore?" And than I say , "I have cry alot just now.It's time I stop." 

We all went into a house and than change scene to someone chasing after someone with a gun trying to kill him than he hide inside a salon. Before this two dream,I dream till someone come live at my house which is my dad friend's son. Before he come in I tell my brother , "Hey,he looks like you from afar." than he was like , "Really?! I so good-looking?!"  The guy come in than I say , "I take back my word.You don't look like him.You're far from his looks." He looks like some kind of Ulzzang but I can confirm I never see his picture before. So should be some random character in the dreamland than been put in my dream. Got along with him well and he's more like a brother to me than my real brother. LOL! Than change to the tunnel. The tunnel seriously is the saddest dream I ever have.I still wondering why my dream character cry when see the tiger and the soft toy. The expression on the tiger was really..I don't know how to say. Now thinking till it will still want to cry.Yes tear just drop again when the scene replay in my head.

Call me a 4D girl,I'm weird to cry for a dream.I guess is all about my last night thinking which cause all this weird dream. Once I wake up my mind is fill with last night question once again. Do I even have potential? 

Thinking back the scene of me singing and dancing for such long time and I did not improve at all,give me the answers. No , I don't have any potential. I once heard someone say that if you practice and practice , you will improve. 

I take the advise and practice but than did I improve? No, I did not improve so this prove that I don't have the potential to improve and that why the judge don't choose me because he already see through me that I can only do it till this far. I don't know why I did not improve.I try so hard,fall down,hurt my leg,sore throat but nothing change. 

I'm thinking what if in the future I did not reach this dream (which is 90% I won't reach it) I will just be a normal office girl , stand there , looking at the river , thinking back at the past how much I put in efforts and here I am. That scene let me tear up.6 year more,I will become a adults,in this 6 year what thing is going to happen? 

Now I know that my vocal are just so weak , even if I have vocal lesson,will I really improve?Thinking of what if I never improve,what will happen? Nothing. Nothing will happen at all.All is just a fairytale. No judge will even look at me or give me time to prove myself. Many people in Youtube told me that I sing beautifully , I sing well , my voice are cute. I thanks them but inside me , I was thinking , "Even all this word won't make me happy because I know I sing badly.Even I sing well,my voice are bad. Are not unique. Why you all think I sing well and give me a chance while judge don't even give me a chance?" 

Whenever there's comment like , "Your voice are cute!" I will smile bitterly because that cute voice is my flaw. A mature and clear voice is my goal..But I know I can't reach that goal because I can't change my voice. They comfort me to tell me Sunny and IU have cute voice when singing too but I just really give bitter smile because I hear their voice , yes is cute but their voice are far more mature than mine and more pleasant to hear it.

I know everyone have different voice and I can't compare myself to anyone and I can't want to sing just the same sound like the song original singer because I'm not them. Still I will auto compare , thinking that my vocal really sucks . This singer version is far way better. Don't tell me that I should not compare myself to them , think , did you once did not compare your ownself to other? If don't have , you have right to say me but if NO , keep your comment to yourself.

When I want to sing and have different voice from those singer,I find it hard because I thought that singing just like them will get right notes.Since I don't know how to sing each notes with my voice as I don't know my vocal range. -sigh- Everytime talking about vocal,I bet this blog are annoyed by it already.

I just felt that I'm all alone in this world for this few day. I felt that no one care , no one even care to looks at anything I post because everyone are freaking sick of me. I notice , I really notice. I just keep quiet and delete all thing I post. Fine , let all live in our own world. I have no one while all have each another. I don't blame , I'm not angry , I'm not jealous , I don't envy , because I already this is going to come. My heart are already numb.

You don't even know what I'm going through but I don't blame you because you never know it. Year by year pass, I start to see the world more clearly,I start to see the real personality in everyone , I start to know who is true who is fake. And I already know but I choose not to do anything or say anything because I don't blame you .

I'm born to be hate by everyone as time goes by. I admit this. I know some of my friend hate me a lot inside them .Whenever I say something, they will felt that hate burning inside them. I know it all , I can see it from your action , your expression . You don't need to hide it , if you're not really comfortable around me, you'll are free to leave me and chase your own freedom of friend .I'm fine. I'm okay with it.

People telling me that the story I wrote was good and if it was a Korean drama,it will be the best drama and they wish this story was a book and they will read a million time. Their comment let me want to write more , I thanks them. At first when I start this story,I really don't have any confident to write story but after seeing more and more subscriber and more and more comment about this story is good, it give me confident to carry on writing. Support from other and approve thing you do are really important in life , it give you strength to keep moving.

I was thinking , if only my singing or dance cover is like this , than it will be good. If only there's more people liking my skill , I will natural get more confident but I know it can't be. No one will like my skill. Not even my family and people close with me.Even they don't like it, how is it possible for other to like it .

But I tell myself, if I don't enjoy practicing dance and sing , if I perform , naturally I won't enjoy too because I will worry too much. A person once told me , the people that are hearing your vocal know whether you're confident or not confident.They know the message from your voice.

So I told myself , if I want other to enjoy my perform,firstly I must enjoy and had fun first. If I want other to felt the emotional , firstly I must felt it too. What I want other to felt and react , I must do it first.

Maybe I more suitable to be a author? LOL!! No! I don't want. Even I enjoy writing story, I just do it for fun and have no intention of becoming  a author or anything that do with writing.