[Dairy] -Sigh-

Was nearly not gonna post today but still I guess I need to find a place to type out my current feeling. 

-Sigh-

I apply for JYP & Alpha Audition 2012 which will be held on 14 & 15 January. I submit the form and I'm number 10 that apply for this audition and I guess I should be on 14 January 2012 audition.. I was still thinking whether should I try out once again... I was nearly not gonna try out because I know I won't get in as there're many people that go for audition that are pretty and good-looking plus talented. While I'm ugly and untalented. So,without going,I already know I won't pass even one round of audition..As JYP go for looks and talent while can see that Alpha Entertainment go for looks..

Still I apply for it,just for trying it. What most important is I want myself to stop shivering and my heart beat please be normal during audition...Last year when I was sitting down,I felt nothing and once I stand up knowing it's my turn,my heart beat keep beating non-stop and I was shivering non-stop. I told myself to stop it if I want to do well but my body don't listen to me...

Yes..I was afraid that next year,I were once again repeat the same fright.. I don't know why am I been like this...I was shivering till my voice was shivering..I know during audition we must not let the judge know we're scare. We must put on a confident side but you know , it's hard for your body to listen to you during that important part. 

I find it really weird how I can be really shivering and scare in front of judge, I mean they're human too and they're not doing anything to me. They're just sitting there and with other 19 people watching me and a room full of silent and with a camera ... How can I be that scare? I once perform in front of more than 30 people and I felt nothing but why did I felt the fear during audition? 

I just really hope that next year,I won't shiver at least not so much. I really hope so... I know I won't get in and I know that when going for audition we need to tell ourselves that we CAN get in but I don't want to lie to myself to boost my confident because I really know I can't make it into either Alpha or JYP  Entertainment...I'm just going to try it no matter what thou. I'm going to reach there early , hoping that I will be the first batch to go in and audition. 

And know what? I even hope that it's one by one go into the judge room , at least won't so scare since there won't be other people looking at you. I mean ya, I'm just weird. But can't be...I really thinking should I apply since my vocal was like sucks to the max and plus many other people watching me , I don't know what they will think of me but I know I should get back to my P6 self .The one the just want to sing and not caring what other people will think about me. 

21 or 23 more day till my audition day... Haven't choose a song! Got to choose a song by tomorrow.Going try record and see which suit my voice better and practice more....Giving rule to myself not to eat any fried food for now onward till audition over..Last year I'm having sore throat on that day T.T ... 

Aww...I should just really work harder...Hard work does pay off? Jinja? Argh..Molla...I was still thinking of audition for dance but than I know my dance was like just normal. So ya,stick with vocal more safe even my mom think I dance better than sing ... Which I don't know. Someone told me that we have potential is just that we need to be in sync and we're like dragging ourselves so we need to pump it up. I guess she's saying about strength we use and the step we really like walking or dragging not dancing. I see our dance move is correct but there's something lacking. 

Okay I judge myself than..I see myself dance,I see the move is correct.But I lack the sharpness and the charm for dance.I need to put in more strength and dance more clearly for the dance to be more sharp plus I need to have emotional and confident to have overall correct. I need to understand what the dance is about too. 

Okay ya,stop here. I really confuse and scare about JYP audition...So fast..Can you imagine it? 

So,today I went to celebrate X-Mas (early celebration) with my friend. We bought our own food that we cook or made. Here are some food that I made~

Spicy Rice Cake cooking in process ~ The taste not really thick so next time should put more sauce.

The Milo Jelly that my mom made but we did not finish all and throw away.. 

Preparing the Spicy Rice Cake ~ 

Guess what's this?~ SWEET POTATO! ㅋㅋㅋ

All thing that I bought! Sweet Potato,Milo Jelly and Spicy Rice Cake ~ 

First time cooking Spicy Rice Cake and it turn out looks nice but taste is just okay..I prefer those stall that sell it >.< Sweet Potato are a bit old because it taste weird and not sweet while Milo Jelly,you should eat it when it's cold is the most good.

I knew it that my cooking was bad...We eat less on it and I know it .. Heartbreaking but it's the truth. -Sigh- 

I fail on all thing...Can't I success on one thing? Cooking fail,singing fail,dancing fail,rapping fail,drawing fail and study fail. I'm such a failure and I'm useless...

And yes I'm depress right now...There're many thing I want to write out but this blog is public and those word I want to say out is the word I don't want anyone to know.Fine it's okay.I have my mind and personal dairy. My personal dairy contain LOTS of secret~ 

Know what?

I still can't get over this picture!! 

This picture really kinda of cheer me up for no reason. I guess it's too fairytale and seem like happy ending that why I'm happy by seeing it. And yes,I really love fairytale and happy ending .I hate nightmare and bad ending...I really really hate it... Yet it keep happening in my life. Argh..Whatever. Even I care,what is there to be done right?

 Nothing last forever.

We got to face the reality even it's a sad ending.. We got to. 

Whenever I think of you,I slow down my walk,in order to think of you more.

The footstep that is heavy,once again happen.

Where are you when I need you?

You're nowhere to be seen..