[Dairy] I Got To

Finally finish watching "He's Beautiful" with my mom~ We use two day to finish it. >.< Yesterday company her watch till 2am plus than sleep. Today morning I nearly can't wake up from my dreaming..I want to wake up but my eye keep close it and that I keep going back and forth from reality to dreamland. Finally around 10am plus I keep tell myself, "You got to wake up." and finally I open my eye and don't allow it to close.

Whenever I'm tired,I tend to don't sleep well. I will go back and forth from reality to dreamland. Is like I will dream till many dream that I don't remember.Seem like confusing dream. Today can't really practice as my family are at home again...I hope tomorrow they will all not at home than I can watch those online lesson and than practice for the song I'm going sing. ~ 

I going to practice dance again too!! I hear my own singing , I need to improve more. I don't know if I can improve by teaching myself but I got to try it no matter what. I wish my birthday faster come and pass because I want to start working. I want to earn money for at least a basic vocal lesson to at least know the basic thing of vocal ^-^ ~ 

I'm seriously about this thing. Really. I just want to keep singing and singing, that why I want to get a vocal teacher because I'm serious about this dream. After about 6 year without giving up or looks at other dream, I guess I'm really serious about it. I don't know what I can do expect for this dream. Because seriously,I have nothing I'm good at. Even have,I can't keep looking at it like how I keep looking and thinking about my dream for nearly 6 year without changing my mind. 

I know that I lack a lot. Like I lack the "colour" in my voice whenever I talk,sing or rap. I record myself singing with my phone and yes truth,like my friend had say. When you sing , you must relax and don't worry because it will affect your voice. I take the advise and try it out and it really work. My singing have tune again but it change back to not so mature voice .

It seem like yesterday I was forcing myself to do well that why it seem to have no tune but have mature voice. I tell myself that I should not fake my voice no matter how I wish I can have mature voice and my voice are back. Disappointed that I have a kids voice instead of a mature emotional voice but it's fine. I need to learn how to love my voice, if I don't love it, who will? Just that it's hard to love own voice when you hear that you're bad at it. But I will try no matter how hard it's .

I did not get the right key/pitch in each notes of a song that why it seem like I can't hold a tune and I don't have the "colour" in my voice.How do I explain this..Hmmm..Not too sure is just that felt that my vocal lack something. The most important is emotional! I want those type that mature plus emotional voice. My current voice sound like kids that only know how to sing but don't know anything outside the world. I can't express out the emotional no matter how hard I try.Even I felt the emotional,my voice just won't sound emotional. 

I notice my voice tend to be thin and airy. Is like those light and thin voice and I once come across a website that say a soprano voice sound like thin and light voice. Maybe mine is around there? Aww..Molla.. I really wish my voice was not too thick is like normal and mature. I keep wonder why my voice sound so much like kids.Make a notes to ask vocal teacher once I get a lesson .I will ask MANY question and make a notes. That's me that always like to ask many question.  

I know can at least sing a bit of like from soft to loud line! Learn it from "Without Words" ~ ! Aww..Now a day I tend to listen to SNSD Tiffany's song and how I wish I have a good voice like hers. I really suddenly want to take all those stressful thing and train myself to better.

Yesterday,Wenhui told me that I'm a brave and passion girl. I don't know about this but I hope judge will see it too. She even told me that passion can overcome lots of obstacles. I keep tell myself this in order not to let myself be upset again for my voice. I'm really must thanks her ~ But I hope that really one day I can reach it and overcome many thing with my passion for this dream.

I must keep tell myself to be confident and don't care what other will think about my voice on audition day. I must behave like how I was when I was 12 year old , I don't care a thing and the only thing that came across my mind is " I want to sing " . I hope on that day I can don't be so afraid till even tell myself this also no use. I now notice I have poor memory.. I will tend to forgot thing.Even my mom say it and I also think that.I keep forgot thing even just happen , I'm really like a sotong. No wonder last time some of my friend will sometime call me sotong .. 

I want to sing . 

I want to sing.I want to carry on singing till the day I reach the stage and I will still keep singing till the end of my last day in earth. 

I want to change myself to a better person for my dream. 

I will change myself in 2012. I mean not my character. Is other thing else. 

I will..

This passion,I will carry on let it burn more and more wilder.

I have ask myself,do I have more passion in rapping,dancing or singing? 

I don't know. It seem I have passion in all. 

But now I know.

Singing is my main passion in my life. 

So which is 2nd? Which I enjoy more if I know? 

Let me be honest,

I will choose rapping as my 2nd passion. Shock? No. 

I did try out rapping since young,is just that I felt I don't suit it so I put it aside first. 

I find the feeling of rapping really great. Is like I don't have any stress anymore. 

For dance,I LOVE it! Just that,I'm bad at it. I hate the facts that I'm bad at it.Really..

I want to do well but I just can't.I learn slow and I'm stupid in move. 

Sometime I really hate why the facts I'm born into poor family,it cause me can't have any lesson to improve myself. 

I now still do. 

But please understand me. Be in my position. You will know.If your house are better than me,than you won't know.

I been blaming it is not I hate it. Is just that my passion for my dream are so strong that I start to get upset that I can't improve myself even I want to . That why this passion turn into a hate for my family. Please understand me. Please understand me before you judge me. 

I want to have no Singaporean accent when I sing or talk. It's really strong. Is my tongue have problem?? I find it really hard to move it when I sing. Maybe I think too much. 

I should drink more water.I tend to take care of myself now a day. 

My body once again tend to move once I hear any song that have strong beats. 

It's a sign. I got to keep dancing. I got to keep learning it no matter how I'm stupid at it.

I got to.

I really hate the facts that 'm bad in rapping,singing,dancing and acting. I really want to do well in all this. I really regret quitting choir.I should stay there no matter how lonely I will get. No matter how other will misunderstood me, I should stay. At least I can learn some singing tips from there. But there's no use regretting now. I should move on.